When We Need Our Love
by dawneh
Summary: The final story in the "When" series takes up exactly where it left off at Linda's wedding
1. Chapter 1

The early morning sun was slowly illuminating the sky and pushing the shadows of the village into retreat. A soft chorus of birdsong began to fill the air, a delicately spirited tune welcoming the start of a new day.

On a cold stone bench beside a fountain in the centre of the village sat two men. Their once carefully pressed shirts were now wrinkled and half pulled from their trousers and ties had long since been unfastened and stuffed into jacket pockets.

Their heads were resting together and their fingers entwined between them as they watched the night relinquish its hold on the sky.

Sleepy smiles played over the faces of the men as they recalled the night's celebrations.

--

After Craig's initial hesitation he had discovered there was an indescribable pleasure to be found in holding John Paul as they danced. Their bodies moving together as one piece of music faded into another, the two men holding each other as closely as they held their wonderful secret.

"Guys… when you've quite finished smooching… the bride is about to leave!"

John Paul grinned as he loosened his hold on Craig, turning to Linda as she looked at her dear friends with an amused smile.

Quickly wrapping his arms around the new bride John Paul spun her into the air, making Linda giggle as she half-heartedly fought to be put down. But as usual, no sooner had her feet touched the ground before she was once again swept off them as Craig's arms replaced John Paul's.

Laughing with joy Linda pulled both men into an embrace as they proceeded to cover her face with soft kisses.

"If I didn't know better I'd be worried about one of you two running off with my missus!" Patrick said as he approached the group hug in the middle of the dance floor.

"How d'you know we're both not planning to," Craig teased, planting another kiss on Linda's cheek.

"You'll have to fight me for her first," Patrick countered with a grin as he caught Linda's hand and pulled her swiftly into his arms.

"If you don't look after her we will," John Paul said with a smile that didn't detract from the truth behind his words.

Patrick's arms slid around Linda's waist as he kissed her neck softly. He was surprised to realise that, rather that feel annoyed at John Paul's words, he felt grateful that the men cared about his beautiful wife enough to make that promise.

"You don't have to worry about that," Patrick replied with a deep smile. "I plan to spend the rest of my life looking after her."

"SHE is still here you know," Linda objected, but her protestation was made with the warm smile of a woman who not only had the man of her dreams in her arms, but also the two greatest friends she had ever know ready to leap to her defence at a moments notice.

"Come on my good lady wife," Patrick teased with a feather kiss to Linda's cheek as he reached for her hand, "We have a honeymoon to get to!"

Linda flashed her friends a bright, joyous smile as she bid them goodbye before being whisked out of the door by her new husband.

John Paul and Craig stood together for a while, wrapped in the warmth of their friends happiness and the strength of their own love.

"So where you gonna take me on honeymoon?" Craig asked with a soft laugh.

"Who says I have to take you anywhere?" John Paul replied.

"Well you ARE the one who did the proposing… it's only right."

Moving close to his boyfriend John Paul slipped his hand around the man's neck and leant close into his ear. "You know I'd take you anywhere," he said suggestively. "Hell I'd take you right now in the middle of this dance floor if I thought I could get away with it!"

Craig swallowed heavily as John Paul pulled away from his side, his face a flustered combination of surprise and lust at John Paul's words. John Paul grinned with satisfaction as he turned and sauntered from the dance floor in search of a drink.

--

It had been a few hours after the bride and groom departed that the celebrations finally wound down and the guests slowly trickled away.

John Paul and Craig had decided to take a leisurely stroll through the village that had once been their home and the place where they had found each other, lost each other and found each other again.

The village had changed very little since the time the men had left for Ireland, as if they had stepped back in time to a world where nothing much had changed. But in the truth everything had changed. They had changed. Men who knew who they were and had a confidence in their love that nothing could ever shatter had long since replaced the young men who had fought to reconcile their feelings

.

"Craig?" John Paul said in a quiet tone that seemed to fit the early morning hush, turning his face to look at his boyfriend as he spoke.

"Hmm?"

"You're not really gonna email Lin those photos are you?"

"I think it's only fair." Craig giggled softly in reply, turning his face to look into the slumberous blue of John Paul's eyes. "I mean she HAS seen the pictures of me."

"Yeah but that was an accident," John Paul insisted, "You know I would never have shown her them deliberately."

Craig curled his fingers tighter into John Paul's, his dark eyes sparkling with mischief as he ran a fingertip along the length of John Paul's thigh.

"It's not like you have anything to be ashamed of!" He teased.

"Craig…" John Paul tried his best at a pleading voice but the effect was lost under a fit of giggles.

"There's only one real solution," Craig said as John Paul's laughter faded.

"And what's that?"

Leaning forward Craig brushed his mouth gently over John Paul's lips.

"You'll have to convince me not to send them."

Slipping his hand behind Craig's neck John Paul pulled the man forcibly towards him, their mouths crashing together hard as John Paul's tongue teased over Craig's lips before finding it's way into the hot depths beyond.

"How's that?" John Paul asked, slightly breathlessly, as the kiss broke.

"Not bad… for a start!" Craig replied with a wink.

"You are SO demanding!"

"And you wouldn't have me any other way."

Brushing a gentle, affectionate kiss across Craig's cheek John Paul leant back against the wall. "You're right," he said with a contented smile, "I wouldn't change a single thing about you."

The morning gradually grew brighter as the men clung to the last possible moments of a perfect night, not quite ready to let it end and seek the sleep they both needed.

"D'you remember…" Craig began before stopping and shaking his head.

"What?"

"Doesn't matter…"

"No go on."

"I was just thinking…" Craig began hesitantly, "D'you remember that day we sat here… not long after everything between us became public knowledge and…"

"And you were so terrified of what people were thinking about you," John Paul continued with a gentle smile.

"It feels like a lifetime ago…"

"It was…"

"The first time I asked you to come to Dublin with me…"

"I'm glad it wasn't the last!"

"John Paul d'you ever… d'you ever regret not coming with me that first time?"

John Paul considered the question for a moment. "Honestly?" he replied, "No… No I don't…"

"Oh." The disappointment was obvious in Craig's voice and John Paul wrapped his arms around the man, pulling him into a warm embrace.

"Craig what we've got now… it's more than I ever thought we'd have… more than I thought I deserved really… I didn't know it was physically possible to be this happy without spontaneous combustion! But back then… we weren't ready…"

"You mean I wasn't ready."

"NO… I mean WE weren't ready." Releasing his hold John Paul moved his hands to cup Craig's face lightly, marvelling at the features of the man who had filled his heart from the moment they first met. "You might not have been ready to kiss me in public back then Craig," John Paul continued, "But I wasn't ready to understand that that sort of thing doesn't matter… what we feel… the life we share together… that's what counts… sure getting to snog you in the street is a bonus but it isn't what's important. If I'd come to Dublin back then… we could have lost everything… we might never have got where we are today and I wouldn't give up our lives now… not for anything."

Craig smiled as he turned his face to kiss the hand resting against his cheek. "Neither would I," he agreed, stifling a small yawn.

"Come on," John Paul said, stretching as he got to his feet and pulling Craig up after him. "Time we got back to mum's."

"To your mums?"

"Yeah… that is where we're staying…"

"I know it's just…"

"What?"

"You didn't call it home."

John Paul smiled, pressing a kiss to Craig's lips. "That house… this village… even this country… that's not home any more."

"No?"

"No… you are."

--

"Afternoon lads." Myra smiled warmly as John Paul and Craig slouched into the kitchen. Both men were supporting ruffled bed hair and the type of bleary eyes that spoke of late night celebrations.

"There's no chance of some breakfast is there?" John Paul asked his mother hopefully, wrapping his dark blue dressing gown around himself as he slumped onto a chair at the breakfast bar.

"Breakfast?" Myra laughed. "Have you seen the time?"

Looking at his watch John Paul grinned as he saw it was just past two in the afternoon. "Well it still FEELS like breakfast time!"

"I'm sure I can find you something," Myra replied as Craig seemed to fall into the seat beside her son. "Tea?"

"Please Myra," Craig answered with a grateful smile. As enjoyable as the night had been his head was now paying the price and his throat felt as if it had been lined with sandpaper.

Standing with one hand resting on the edge of the sink waiting for the kettle to boil Myra felt a moment's sadness as she quietly observed John Paul and Craig. They seemed cocooned in their own world as they leant their heads together, whispering secrets known only to themselves and laughing softly as they spoke. John Paul lifted his hand to Craig's face; his thumb passing lightly over the man's cheek, seemingly for no reason other than to touch him, and Craig leaned into the touch as if the warmth from John Paul's skin was enough to revive his flagging senses.

When John Paul first moved to Ireland Myra felt his absence sharply, but watching him now, lost inside a world that she had no access to, Myra realised that it wasn't just John Paul's physical presence that she missed, it ran far deeper than that. Myra McQueen's young son had grown up. The boy who had once cried on his mother's shoulder as she comforted him was gone. The child who needed his mother was no more. There was a time when Myra had considered herself to be the most important person in her son's life but she had always known that couldn't last, shouldn't last, and that role was now filled by the dark haired man wrapped in a deep red towelling robe sat in her kitchen.

The boiling of the kettle pulled Myra away from watching the men for a moment and, when she turned to look again John Paul was smiling at her. His blue eyes sparkled with life and happiness and Myra couldn't help but return his smile.

Myra McQueen's young son had grown up and he was now an incredible young man that would make any mother proud. He was a strong, confident and happy man that made Myra proud.

The gaze of the two McQueen's fused for a moment, their looks saying all the things that they had never found time to say out loud. Myra's eyes told her son how much she missed him, how much she loved him and how much she wanted him to be happy. John Paul's eyes replied that no matter how old he got he would always need his mother, always love her and that he had never been happier.

Craig's hand on his arm pulled John Paul's attention back to the man beside him and Myra turned to pour boiling water into three mugs. When her son had first come out Myra had been heartbroken. She had seen a life of hardship and prejudice in his future. No matter how hard Myra had tried to "understand" and "accept" her son's life she had never really believed that it would bring him anything but unhappiness.

Myra McQueen had never been more pleased to be proved wrong in her life. As she watched the two men in her kitchen she knew that the love she was witnessing was true and pure and that, no matter what the sexuality involved, her son had found the joy she had always dreamed for him.

"So… how did the wedding go?" Myra asked as she placed two mugs of tea before the men.

"It was… great," John Paul replied with a wide smile.

"Amazing," Craig agreed, his fingers curling around John Paul's and his dark eyes flashing brightly.

"And how did Linda look?" Myra continued as she laid several rashers of bacon in a frying pan.

"Oh she was gorgeous," John Paul enthused, "I've honestly never seen her looking so stunning… she was like… I don't know… like a princess or something." John Paul's grin widened as he spoke, the memories of Linda being only one of the things from the previous evening making him smile.

"Mum… can you leave that?" John Paul asked, flashing a bright smile at Craig before turning his attention to his mother.

"You don't want the bacon burnt," Myra reasoned.

"It doesn't matter… turn it off for a second… please mum… there's something I need to tell you."

Removing the pan from the heat Myra took a deep breath as fear played through her chest. Whenever her children had something they "needed" to tell her it was invariably bad news and she dreaded to think what it was that John Paul had to say. Had she really just been thinking how happy he looked?

"What is it?" Myra asked quietly, wiping her hands nervously on a tea towel.

Getting to his feet John Paul placed an arm around his mother's shoulders, kissing her head softly as he hugged her close.

"I love you mum," John Paul whispered softly into Myra's hair.

"What is it son?" Myra asked, lifting her face to look into her son's perfect blue eyes.

Directing Myra to his seat John Paul bid his mother to sit down. Crouching before her John Paul took his mother's hands and squeezed them tightly as his gazed flicked towards the encouraging smile of Craig.

"Mum… the thing is…" John Paul hesitated as a nervous excitement bubbled through his stomach. Less than half an hour earlier John Paul had been lying with the man of his dreams warm in his arms discussing how and when they should start telling people their news. John Paul had known that it wasn't a secret he would be able to keep from his mother and Craig had readily agreed that the sooner they began telling everyone the sooner they could start making plans. "The thing is…" he repeated. "Yesterday… at the reception… I… I asked Craig to marry me…"

"You and… is that… can you… wow… marry…" The words fell at random from Myra's lips as her gaze took in the features of her son and then turned to see the equally happy face of the man beside her. Marriage was the last thing she had ever expected from John Paul and she couldn't hide her obvious surprise. She also couldn't hide her concern. Marriage and the McQueen's invariably spelt disaster. Myra had already witnessed enough of her daughter's marriages end with bitterness and lies and she dreaded the thought of the same thing happening to her son. "Are you sure about this," Myra asked kindly.

Getting to his feet John Paul moved to stand beside Craig, their hands naturally clasping together as they looked at each other.

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life," John Paul said simply, his gaze fixed on Craig's face and the love in his eyes sparkling like fireworks.

"His IS my life," Craig said, his words directed at Myra, but his eyes speaking only to John Paul in the silent language that they had always shared.

When John Paul McQueen had been born Myra had wept tears of joy over her tiny son. When he was eight years old Myra had wiped the blood from his knees when an older boy had pushed him cruelly to the ground. And when he was eighteen Myra had held her child, who was almost a man, as he cried heartbroken tears over the loss of Craig Dean.

Myra had only ever wanted happiness for her son, for all of her children, and looking at the two men in her kitchen she knew that John Paul, at least, had found it.

Their marriage might be the once success story the McQueen family could boast, or it might be another disaster to add to the list, either way Myra would be there to support her son, it was the only thing she knew how to do.

Reaching out her arms Myra pulled both men into an embrace. "Congratulations," she breathed into John Paul's hair as she held her son, and her future son-in-law, tightly.

"So, have you told your Jake yet?"

Craig grimaced slightly. As much as Jake had tried, and in some small way succeeded, in accepting his brother's relationship with John Paul telling him about their planned marriage was another thing all together.

"Not yet," Craig admitted, "He's next on the list."

"But after breakfast eh?" John Paul said, grinning at his mother hopefully.

Myra laughed as she returned to the frying pan. Her son was happy. That was all that mattered.

--

"Alright Jake?"

Jake Dean looked up from the pint he was pulling and smiled to see his younger brother standing beside the bar.

"I wondered if you were gonna stop by while you were in town," he said, handing the drink to his customer.

"As if I wouldn't! It's just a shame Steph and Max are away I would have liked to catch up with them too," Craig replied, reaching out to take the hand that the older man offered as he approached.

"John Paul," Jake acknowledged with a smile and a nod as he looked towards the blonde man stood at his brother's side.

"Jake," John Paul responded with a similar gesture.

There was never going to be any genuine friendship between the two men who's only common link was their love for Craig, but John Paul was satisfied with the knowledge that at least there was no longer any animosity.

"You haven't got a minute have you Jake?" Craig asked, casting a glance around the almost empty bar.

"Yeah sure, what's up?"

"Upstairs?"

Jake frowned slightly. There was a strange look in his brother's eyes that he couldn't quite place and it filled him with trepidation.

"I'm going up to the flat," Jake told the unfamiliar man who was serving behind the bar, "Give me a shout if it gets busy."

"Sure thing," the blonde haired man replied.

"He's new," Craig observed as he began to follow his brother through the doorway that lead to the flat above the pub.

"Not really," Jake told him, "Colin's been here a few months…"

"Yeah… I should probably get home more," Craig said quietly as the three men entered the flat. Since moving to Dublin he had hardly visited his family, and the few occasions that he had spent time in the village that had been the home of his youth were few and fleeting.

"I didn't mean it like that," Jake said kindly, his hand resting on his brother's shoulder, "We're all proud of the life you've made for yourself in Ireland." Jake's eyes flickered over to John Paul as he spoke. "Honestly… as long as you're happy that's all that matters…"

"Thanks Jake," Craig replied with a deep smile, his soft brown eyes glowing under his brother's praise.

Although a few years had passed Craig could still remember the stinging hurt of his brother's bitterness when he had first learned of Craig's love for John Paul. The disgust that had burned in the older man's eyes was something Craig had never been able to forget but it was something that had faded in time and it was something Craig no longer saw as he looked at his brother.

"So what's up?" Jake asked with a grin that he cast John Paul's way, "I hope you haven't got my little brother pregnant!"

John Paul laughed softly, not so much at Jake's lame attempt at humour, but more at the fact that the man was making the effort.

Craig looked at his boyfriend for a moment, taking the hand of the man he adored with every fibre of his being and holding it tightly before turning his attention back to his brother.

"Well if he had he'd be doing the honourable thing about it now," Craig said with a bright smile.

"How d'you mean?" Jake asked with a puzzled frown.

"We're getting married."

The statement seemed to hover in the air between the three men for some time and Craig started to wonder if Jake had even heard him.

"You can't," Jake finally said in a voice that was barely a whisper. "I mean how can you… you're both blokes."

"I think you'll find it's legal now Jake," John Paul said, his hold of Craig's hand tightening. They had both been aware that Jake's reaction could go in any direction and, as Jake's eyes flicked between the two younger men it was still uncertain of what his final opinion of the situation would be.

"Married?"

"Yeah," Craig confirmed.

"You two?"

"Us two," John Paul acknowledged.

"Bloody hell!"

--

Craig sipped his tea slowly, the hot liquid burning his tongue as he made a conscious effort not to comment on how much better John Paul's tea making skills were in comparison to those of his brother.

It was both familiar and yet strange to be sat on the sofa in the flat that had been his home for so long. It had been the home that had seen Craig grow into a man and the home that he had left years earlier, uncertain what the future might hold for him.

Whatever he had expected it hadn't been this. He'd never dreamed to be sat here again, drinking tea with the comfort of John Paul's hand resting casually on his knee as they caught up on life in Hollyoaks village.

The conversation had flowed easily after the initial surprise of Craig's announcement and, if Jake's eyes would occasionally look to the hand resting on his brother's knee, at least they didn't fill with disgust. He might never understand the younger men's love but all three of them knew that his acceptance was enough.

"We should really get going," Craig said, getting to his feet and stretching his arms above his head, causing his top to rise up and reveal a small strip of bare flesh that John Paul had to resist touching.

"It's been good to see you," Jake said with a genuine smile as he led the two men to the door.

"Jake," Craig hesitated, a flash of concern filling his eyes. "You will come won't you… to the wedding I mean?"

Jake caught a glimpse of a photograph hanging on a wall and turned his gaze towards it. Craig's eyes followed the path of his brother's, a familiar pain stabbing at his chest as he looked into the face of his mother.

"She would have been so proud of you you know," Jake said with a sad smile. "Her little boy all grown up… you were always her favourite."

Craig shook his head in objection but they both knew it was true. There was no question that Frankie loved all of her children but there had been something about her love for Craig that had run that bit deeper, something that had made her able to hurt him or cherish him that bit more.

"D'you think she'd support this?" Craig asked quietly, his uncertainty given strength by the comfort of John Paul's hand against the small of his back.

"I don't get it Craig," Jake replied, looking at the two men and shaking his head. "I just don't get it… but I've never seen you this happy and I know that's mostly because of John Paul. So yeah, I think mum would support you two getting married… and of course I'll be there… my little brother's wedding? Wouldn't miss it!"

Craig held his brother tightly for a moment, their shared grief over the loss of Frankie had never completely left them, it never would, but Jake was right. Never in his life had Craig been happier.

--

"Craig," John Paul said as they stepped out into the warmth of the late afternoon air, "You OK?"

Craig's deep brown eyes seemed filled with a multitude of emotions and as he blinked slowly a single tear trickled over his cheek.

"I love you," Craig said quietly as John Paul slipped an arm around his shoulders.

"You'd better," John Paul replied with a warm smile, "Cause we're getting married!"

"We really are aren't we?"

"You'd better believe it… it's you and me forever Craig Dean… you're never getting rid of me now!"

"Good, cause I never want to."

--

Craig smiled as he read his latest text message, the fifth one from John Paul that afternoon. Not that there was anything unusual about that, they often exchanged numerous messages throughout the day as the practicalities of their working lives kept them apart for more hours than either of them really liked. But these particular messages all ended the same way, with John Paul's insistence that Craig got to the club on time that night.

When John Paul had first mentioned that he would like Craig's company as he worked that Friday it had seemed a simple innocuous request. But as the week had worn on John Paul's continued reminders had sparked Craig's curiosity. This wasn't John Paul's usual desire for his fiancée's company any more, there was something behind it and it didn't take a genius to figure out what.

"You'd better be leaving the office RIGHT NOW." John Paul's sixth text message read and Craig couldn't hold back the laugh as he hit send on his final email of the day and powered off his computer.

"Already got my coat on… see you soon," Craig replied as he headed for the door.

"So will I see you at the club tonight?" Craig asked as he paused at the doorway.

"Me?" Steve asked with a less than convincing wide-eyed innocence. "Why would I be going to the club?"

"Oh I don't know… I thought maybe John Paul had asked you along…"

"I'm sure I have no idea what you're…" Steve laughed gently. "You've guessed haven't you?"

Leaning against the doorframe Craig nodded. "John Paul's a terrible liar," he said with a smile.

"He just wants to surprise you…"

"I know… and I'll do the surprised thing…"

"Make sure you do… he's put a lot of effort into tonight."

"See you later Steve."

"Don't know what you mean," Steve replied with a wink, "I'll be staying home with a DVD!"

--

Craig smoothed down the front of his shirt with his hands as he stepped from the taxi. His clothing was a simple yet elegant combination of plain black trousers and black shirt, which had been lying, neatly pressed, on the bed when he got home that evening. The top two buttons of his shirt were undone, exposing just a hint of his softly tanned skin, while his trousers hugged his hips tightly, showing of the curves of his body to their full advantage.

Standing longer in the shower than originally intended, as the cascade of warm water washed away the stresses of a working week, Craig had arrived at the club late and could see a nervous looking John Paul standing in the doorway.

John Paul's attention was fixed across the road and he hadn't noticed the arrival of the taxi or heard Craig's footsteps as he approached. Following the path of his fiancée's gaze Craig felt a momentary wash of nausea as he looked at the place where he had once held John Paul in his arms, praying to whatever gods might exist not to let him die.

"Sorry I'm late," Craig whispered as he rested his hand lightly on John Paul's shoulder.

The blonde man turned, his brilliant blue eyes shining vibrantly as they took in the appearance of the man before him. His elegance and beauty made John Paul's heart pound as he questioned, and not for the first time, how he had managed to get so very lucky.

"I would complain," John Paul said, brushing a soft kiss against Craig's lips, "But you were worth waiting for…" His fingertips ran lightly over Craig's cheek as John Paul looked at him with a breathless awe. "You've always been worth waiting for…"

Craig smiled, his eyes flickering closed at John Paul's warming touch. His heart was filled with so much love that it was almost painful, but it was a pain he never wanted to stop feeling, not for the rest of his days.

"Come on… let's get inside," John Paul said, reluctantly letting his fingers fall from the softness of Craig's face and instantly seeking the grip of his hand in recompense.

Craig let his eyes dart back to that dreadful spot across the road one last time before allowing himself to be guided into the club. Kneeling on that cold pavement Craig Dean had been given the briefest taste of what life without John Paul might feel like and he knew that it was a life he had no interest in living.

As he walked into the centre of the club Craig couldn't keep the wide smile from his face. One corner had been roped off as a "private" function and several familiar faces were already gathered there. A scattering of silver balloons decorated one wall, each one printed with the words "Love Always" and a banner announcing the engagement of Craig Dean and John Paul McQueen was hung amidst them. Several bottles of champagne stood on a central table and, as Craig and John Paul approached, Adrian popped the cork of the first one to the cheers of their friends.

"John Paul you shouldn't have," Craig said in a voice that cracked with barely contained emotion. He had known that John Paul was planning this party, he had guessed the fact days ago. But actually seeing it there, laid out before him, was something quite different. He hadn't expected just how it would make him feel.

John Paul chewed on his lip for a moment as he wondered if he had made an error of judgement. He knew that Craig didn't like overtly public displays and yet here he was announcing their engagement to the world without even consulting him. John Paul was suddenly aware of the staring eyes of the rest of the nightclubs patrons and he regretted turning down Adrian's offer to close for the night and have the entire place to themselves. It had seemed to generous an offer to close a thriving nightclub on a Friday for the sake of a small private party but now John Paul questioned his rejection of the suggestion.

"This is alright isn't it?" he asked in a soft worried voice.

Craig looked away from the gathering of their friends, who were already passing around the fizzing glasses of champagne, and stared deeply into the rich blue of his lover's eyes.

Craig was vaguely aware that their party was drawing some attention from the rest of the clubbers but he was also aware of just how little he actually cared. He was standing in a room, with the man he loved and a party to celebrate that love, how could anything else ever matter when compared to that?

"It's perfect," Craig said cupping John Paul's face gently, "You're perfect…"

Craig wasn't sure if the wolf whistle came from one of their friends or someone in the club but, as his mouth met John Paul's in a deep loving kiss, he couldn't find an ounce of him that was in the slightest bit concerned.

"I love you Craig Dean," John Paul breathed as he pulled his fiancée close to him, relishing the warmth and closeness of the man's body. "You knew I was doing this didn't you?"

Craig chuckled softly. "I love you too John Paul McQueen, but don't ever try cheating on me," he said with a laugh, "You are terrible at keeping secrets!"


	2. Chapter 2

John Paul let out a breathless moan as teeth sank deeply into the soft skin of his neck

John Paul let out a breathless moan as teeth sank deeply into the soft skin of his neck. His chest was pressed so hard against the wall that he couldn't move and could barely breathe while hands fought with his clothes to reach the naked flesh beneath.

Fingers clawed at his back as a hard groin was pressed against him and a hot mouth nuzzled into his neck.

John Paul's whole body trembled with a desire that grew more and more desperate with each passing second. But there was something wrong. A slight worry that niggled at the back of his mind and prevented him from fully enjoying his lover's passionate attentions.

"Craig…" John Paul said in a small gasp. The mouth at his neck bit harder, making John Paul whimper before raising his voice slightly. "Craig… wait…"

Craig ceased the attention he was giving to John Paul's neck and lifted his mouth to the man's ear, kissing it gently as he whispered into it in a deep lust filled voice.

"What is it?"

"The front door…" John Paul panted as Craig's hands began to massage the tops of his thighs.

"What?"

"We've left the front door open…"

"I don't care," Craig replied, licking a path from John Paul's earlobe to his neck and back again.

"Craig," John Paul said, in a voice more filled with desire than complaint. "I don't think we want to be giving the neighbours a live sex show…"

Reluctantly Craig turned his head to see the front door was still wide open, just as he had left it after pushing John Paul quickly through and pressing him hard up against the wall opposite.

The subdued lighting of the apartment hallway barely illuminated the doors leading to the neighbouring flats and Craig was certain that no one would be around to see them at this hour of the night anyway. Almost certain.

"There's no one there," Craig breathed into John Paul's ear as he resumed his massaging of the younger man's thighs, his hands slowly travelling forwards to casually brush against the growing arousal of John Paul's groin.

"Craig!" John Paul complained in a pitiful whimper, his desire quickly threatening to take over his common sense. "Just… just close the door… please…"

Craig sighed as he pulled back from his fiancé, both men instantly missing the warmth of each other's bodies, and stalked the few paces to the front door.

"Don't move," Craig instructed as he pushed the door closed. He stopped where he was for a moment to take in the sight of his lover. John Paul's hands were pressed against the wall, his face turned slightly so that his cheek rested against the wallpaper and his clothing already in the early stages of disarray where Craig had been pulling at them.

The engagement party had been a great success, Craig had been surprised by how much he enjoyed the attention and by how proud he had felt every time John Paul had turned to smile at him, or taken his hand, or kissed his cheek. It was a far cry from one terrible September day when everything had seemed lost, when Craig had been too scared, they had both been too scared, to hold on to the love that they needed so badly.

As Craig had pulled John Paul into his arms in the middle of the dance floor he had been totally unaware if anyone was watching, if anyone was judging or objecting, in fact he was unaware if anyone else was even in the room. All he knew was that the party had gone on too long and he needed to get John Paul home so that he could really show him how much he loved him.

"Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep my hands off you tonight?" Craig asked breathlessly as he slid his hands back underneath John Paul's shirt and stroked the man's warm hot skin. "How hard I got just looking at you… god I wanted you right there on that dance floor… I wanted to bend you over the record decks and fuck you… I wanted to be inside you… to come inside you…"

"Fuck… Craig…" John Paul's voice was a low growl as Craig's hands stroked his chest, squeezing his nipples hard, making them stand to attention and they weren't the only things that were growing hard. John Paul's cock strained at the uncomfortable confines of his trousers and he could feel an equally firm arousal pressing into him from behind.

There was a sound of ripping and a sudden scattering of buttons as Craig pulled at John Paul's shirt, tearing it open in his desperation to reach the milky flesh beneath.

John Paul thought he should object, it was a brand new and rather expensive shirt, he should have been annoyed at its unnecessary destruction. But instead all he was capable of thinking was how hot and wet Craig's tongue felt as it tickled down his spine and how much he wanted it to go lower, much lower.

John Paul's hands got tangled in the folds of fabric as Craig pulled his shirt from his back and he struggled to free them until a hand restrained him.

"Leave it," Craig whispered suggestively, "I rather like you like that…"

Ceasing his struggles John Paul smiled as he rested his forehead against the cool of the wall. Bound by his own shirt he felt completely at Craig's mercy, and he knew he couldn't be in safer hands.

Craig knelt on the floor, nuzzling gently at the small of John Paul's back as he reached around and unbuckled the man's belt. Quickly freeing the fastenings of his trousers Craig pushed them down to his ankles, stroking the soft white flesh as it was revealed.

John Paul moaned softly as Craig blew gently against his bare buttocks, the tip of his tongue tasting lightly at the smooth skin before a sudden nip of teeth made John Paul yelp in surprise.

There was a time when touching another man so intimately would have felt foreign to Craig. But now, as he eased John Paul's buttocks apart, breathing hotly between them before pressing his tongue deeply into then man's deliciously sensitive grooves, he knew that there was nothing more natural, more satisfying or more erotic than pleasuring the man he loved. Nothing had ever turned Craig on more than hearing John Paul moan his name or to feel John Paul tremble at his touch. To know that he could do that, that he could have that kind of effect was the greatest aphrodisiac Craig Dean had ever experienced.

John Paul gasped as Craig's tongue lapped against his opening, swirling around it and pushing into it. His cock throbbed heavily as his body allowed Craig's penetrating tongue deeper inside and a growl of animalistic need rumbled deeply in his throat.

Sitting back on his heels Craig admired his handiwork; John Paul's hole glistened with his saliva and twitched with anticipation as he blew against it. The younger man whimpered as Craig pushed a moist fingertip slowly inside him, sliding it in as far as he could before gradually withdrawing it only to repeat the process over again.

John Paul's fingers curled into the soft folds of his shirt as his body shuddered at Craig's touch; pushing back he urged Craig's finger to go deeper but it still wasn't enough.

"God Craig…"

"Say it…" Craig urged as he rose to his feet, pushing a second finger next to the first deep inside the heat of John Paul's flesh.

"Fuck Craig I…" John Paul's chest heaved as Craig's fingers plunged deeper into him, the man's breath was hot against his neck and he could hear the sound of Craig fumbling one handed with his own belt buckle.

"Tell me…"

"Fuck me Craig… I want you to fuck me…" John Paul said, far louder than he had intended and, if he had had any thoughts at that moment other than the desire for Craig's cock inside him, he would have been glad that the door had been closed.

Finally freeing his hard cock from his trousers Craig spat on his hand, stroking the saliva over its length and mixing it with the trickle of precum that was already dribbling liberally from its tip.

"Tell me how you want it," Craig breathed as he pulled his fingers from the heat of John Paul's flesh and lined the head of his cock against John Paul's eager hole.

"Hard," John Paul replied hoarsely, "Fast… I want you deep inside me… fucking me… oh god!"

Grabbing tightly onto John Paul's hips Craig drove his cock into the hot hungry flesh of his lover. John Paul's body offered little resistance as Craig's thickness filled him and both men let out moans of pleasure as their flesh was joined.

Craig bit hard against John Paul's neck, a sharp metallic tang of copper filling his mouth as he drew blood, making him suck against the flesh even harder as he thrust deeply into the man's hot tight body.

John Paul closed his eyes and let the sensations of his flesh consume him. Craig's mouth was hot against his neck and his cock pounded hard and fast into his arse making John Paul groan loudly as each forward thrust caused his own cock to brush against the wall, taunting him with the pleasures it had so far been denied.

"Oh… fuck… Craig…" Each word was punctuated with a groan of pleasure as Craig thrust harder and deeper into John Paul's hot flesh. John Paul pulled at the restraints of his shirt but was unable to free himself and tend to his hard aching cock.

"You want me to touch you don't you?" Craig whispered into his lover's ear. "You want me to wank you and make you come… but I'm not going to…"

"Craig… please…"

"First I'm gonna fuck you… then I'm gonna come inside you… and then I'm gonna suck you… Oh god John Paul you feel so fucking good…"

Craig buried his face into the crook of John Paul's neck as his body began to tremble. He had wanted this all night and he couldn't hold back any longer. Wrapping his arms around John Paul's middle Craig pulled the man closer into him as he thrust faster and harder unable to resist the demands of his desperate body as he cried out John Paul's name, his climax pulsing into his lover in wave after wave of passion until he had nothing more to give.

Staggering back Craig watched as his cock slipped from the grip of John Paul's body and the thick white liquid trickled from John Paul's pleasured hole.

"Turn around," Craig instructed breathlessly as he sank to his knees, reaching his hands to John Paul's hard throbbing cock the second it was before him.

Turning his gaze upwards Craig saw the two beautiful blue eyes looking down on his with uncontrolled love and desire. Craig held John Paul's stare as he stretched out his tongue and lapped at the moist tip of John Paul's cock. The younger man's eyes fluttered shut as he sighed with pleasure and let his head fall back against the wall.

Parting his lips Craig took the head of John Paul's cock into his mouth. Slowly at first, savouring the flavour of the man, the feel of his thickness filling his mouth. But as the volume of John Paul's moans increased Craig took him in deeper, sucking against his length as it pushed towards the back of his throat.

John Paul opened his eyes and looked down again, watching with erotic fascination as his cock disappeared into the depths of Craig's mouth. The older mans lips wrapping tightly around it as his tongue swirled over its tip and he sucked harder. John Paul had already been of the verge of exploding as Craig fucked him and the expert heat of the man's mouth was too perfect to resist.

"Oh fuck Craig…" John Paul rocked his hips, thrusting his cock deeper into his lover's throat as his orgasm exploded from him, pouring into Craig's mouth where it was quickly devoured.

Craig continued to suck until every drop of John Paul's climax had been consumed and the man fell back against the wall with a satisfied sigh.

"You're amazing, d'you know that?" Craig said as he got to his feet and gently untangled John Paul's hands from the constraints of his crumpled shirt.

"You should be careful you know," John Paul teased, "My fiancé can get very jealous."

"I'm not surprised… I'd get jealous if someone else so much as looked at you."

"Doesn't matter if they do," John Paul replied with a smile. "He's the only one I ever notice."

Forgetting that his trousers were still around his ankles John Paul took a step forward and stumbled into Craig's arms.

"Good job you were there to catch me," John Paul said with a laugh.

"I always will be," Craig promised before touching his mouth to his fiancés lips in a kiss that sealed a perfect night.

* * *

"Craig come on," John Paul said in an exasperated voice as he slammed his pen down on the tabletop a little harder than he had intended. "The wedding's only six weeks away… we've got to get this stuff sorted…"

The closer the wedding day got the less Craig seemed interested in it and his attitude was starting to get on John Paul's nerves.

"I don't care who sits next to who's auntie whatever at the reception," Craig replied with a grimace as he cast an eye over the seating plan that John Paul had spread out before him.

The closer the wedding day got the more John Paul seemed obsessed by it and his attitude starting to get on Craig's nerves.

Both men sighed, biting their lips in frustration at each other. For every day that passed more and more tension seemed to grow between them until neither man could make a simple comment without the other taking offence and snapping back a sharp retort. Several times over the previous few weeks both men had questioned whether it was all really worth the stress and whether they could survive it intact.

"Well you SHOULD care," John Paul said in annoyance.

"Why?"

"Cause it's your wedding too…"

"But it doesn't matter where anyone sits… let them sit where they like."

"We can't do that…"

"Why not?"

"Cause it's not…" John Paul looked down at the names carefully cut out of a sheet of paper that he had been trying to arrange on a seating plan for the best part of two hours. "Cause it's not the way it's done…"

"It's JUST a wedding," Craig said grabbing a handful of the paper names and tossing them into the air. "Nobody cares about this sort of thing anymore…"

"CRAIG!" John Paul objected as the name confetti fluttered to the ground. "I care… my mum cares… YOU should care…"

"Your mum!" Craig said with a snort.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh come on… I'm starting to wonder whose wedding it is… ours or hers…"

"She's helping out…"

"She's taking over…"

"She just wants what's best for us," John Paul insisted.

"NO," Craig retorted, "She wants what's best for YOU… the rest of us are just incidental…"

"That's not fair and you know it." John Paul could feel his temper rising, his knuckles were white as he gripped tightly onto the pen, fighting down the urge to throw it across the room, or throw it at Craig. For the last few days they had seemed to do nothing but fight and tempers were sorely frayed.

"It's typical McQueen though isn't it," Craig sneered, "God forbid they should do anything simple and tasteful when it can be over the top and garish."

"Well thank god Frankie's not here or there wouldn't be a wedding at all," John Paul snapped, regretting the words the second they left his mouth and wishing in vain that he could pull them back before they reached Craig's ears.

"Yeah thank god my mum's dead," Craig replied, his dark eyes glowing angrily. "So she can't see me make the biggest mistake of my life…"

"Craig I'm sorry… I didn't mean…"

"Don't… just don't…" Craig shook his head in dismay. "What the hell did I think I was doing marrying into the McQueen's?"

"Well it's not too late to change your mind," John Paul replied bitterly. "No one's forcing you…"

"You know what? You're right… this whole thing's a fucking joke…"

"Well why don't you leave now and save us all the bother?"

"Why don't I?"

Grabbing his coat from the back of the sofa Craig strode purposefully towards the door, yanking it open before charging through.

"Craig I…" John Paul looked up as the front door slammed closed. "I'm sorry…" John Paul's words trailed off into silence. There was no one left to hear them.

* * *

Craig didn't really like whiskey. It has always seemed a touch too sharp and would burn at the back of his throat, but by his fourth double he was starting to feel a little friendlier towards it.

* * *

John Paul wasn't really a fan of vodka. It always made him feel light headed and would leave his throat feeling raw, but by the time the bottle was half empty he seemed to have forgotten his dislike.

* * *

"Another," Craig said placing his empty glass on the bar and barely taking the time to meet the bartender's eye. The pub had been quiet an hour ago when he arrived, but it had slowly filled and the noise was proving a useful distraction. If it got loud enough he would be able to block out the voice in his head telling him to go home and sort things out.

Craig was angry. He had every right to be angry and he wanted to be angry. John Paul had no right to say what he had and, even though Craig had been able to see the regret instantly in those gentle blue eyes, he had still said it and that wasn't something that could be quickly forgiven or forgotten.

* * *

John Paul cursed under his breath as the glass toppled over, spilling its contents onto the carpet before he could catch it. His reactions were sorely impaired and he didn't manage to stop the glass from falling when he caught it with his foot. With a sigh he quickly poured more vodka from the bottle, looking surprised as the last few drops splashed into his glass. He didn't remember drinking that much.

Flicking on the TV John Paul searched for a channel with loud dance music and turned up the volume. Anything to stop him thinking. The alcohol and bright images on the screen helped drive the memory of the hurt that he had made shine in those soft brown eyes. John Paul felt guilty and he hated it.

* * *

"Craig? Craig Dean?"

Craig turned his slightly unfocussed eyes to the voice at his side, taking a moment to register the image of the person beside him.

The woman smiled. Her ruby glossed lips curled gently to reveal a row of perfect white teeth behind them and her deep brown eyes shone with the reflected smile. She ran a hand nervously through her long ebony hair as Craig continued to stare at her without speaking.

"You don't recognise me do you?" She asked with slight embarrassment echoing in her gentle Irish lilt.

"I'm not… I…" Craig didn't like to admit he didn't have the vaguest idea who she was.

"Ciara… I work with David Adams on the fourth floor… we met at the Christmas party… you were with that lovely bloke of yours…"

"Oh right." Craig said with a nod and a smile, which seemed to put the woman at ease. He had no recollection of ever meeting her before and his memories of the Christmas party were sketchy to say the least. In fact the only clear image he had of that evening was biting his hand to stop from moaning too loudly as John Paul fucked him hard and fast in the stationery cupboard. Craig's smile grew as he allowed himself an indulgence of the memory.

"So is he not here?" Ciara asked looking around as she slipped onto the empty stool at Craig's side.

"Sorry?"

"Your bloke… I'm sorry I can't remember his name…"

"John Paul…"

"That's right… John Paul not with you tonight?"

"No… no not tonight," Craig said with a visible grimace that said more than any explanation ever could. Ciara had been around her share of heartache and she could see the early signs of it in the young man at her side.

"Let me get you a drink," Ciara offered kindly.

"No, let me…" Craig countered instantly.

Ciara laughed but accepted the offer as she leant forward a little, resting her hand on Craig's knee to steady herself.

* * *

John Paul felt sick. His head was spinning and, as he lay back on the sofa, he could feel the room begin to revolve around him.

With bleary eyes and shaky hands he fished his mobile from his jeans pocket and scrolled through his contacts until coming to rest on Craig's name.

Pressing the "call" button John Paul waited to be connected, only to hear an all too familiar ring tone begin to vibrate on the sideboard across the room. John Paul continued to listen until the recorded message of the answer phone kicked in.

"Hi this is Craig Dean… I'm obviously far too busy to talk to you right now so please leave a message and I might call you back."

"Craig…" John Paul slurred into his handset at the sound of his fiancé's voice. "Where are you? Come home… I didn't mean it… I love you…"

Disconnecting the call John Paul's hand fell to his side, his mobile phone falling to the floor as he drifted into an alcohol induced sleep.

* * *

With a giggle Ciara flicked her glossy locks over one shoulder and leant a little closer to whisper into Craig's ear.

Craig seemed unable to comprehend a word the woman was saying, the weight of her hand on his thigh – which seemed to move higher every few minutes, the rich scent of her perfume, the tantalising glimpse of her breasts as she leaned forward and the heat of her breath on his neck as she spoke drove all conscious thoughts from his brain.

Ciara smiled, pretending not to notice Craig's eyes resting on her cleavage, as they had been doing for the last ten minutes. Taking a deep breath Ciara stretched back her shoulders, raising her chest a little higher as her hand slid along Craig's thigh.

With some satisfaction she noticed him swallowing heavily. Ciara had been pleased to spot Craig when she entered the bar earlier, even more so to learn that he was alone and, from the little information he had been willing to give her, it looked like his relationship with that blue-eyed man she had seen at Christmas was on seriously rocky ground.

Squeezing tightly onto the top of Craig's thigh Ciara breathed heavily into his ear.

"You're a very attractive man you know," she said softly. "All the girls in the office say so… we all think it's SUCH a shame that you're gay…"

"I'm not gay," Craig said quietly, in a strange autopilot response that he hadn't used in a long time.

"Aren't you? You are with another man though…"

Craig lifted his gaze to Ciara's eyes, he felt strangely intoxicated and it wasn't just by the whiskey. There was a look in her deep brown stare that made him long for something he hadn't experienced in a long time.

"So you've been with a woman before?" Ciara emphasised the word before.

"Yeah…"

"Did you enjoy it?" Ciara's mouth was only a fraction of an inch from Craig's as she spoke, the heat from her words brushing over his lips in and echo of the way her hand was lightly brushing over his groin.

"I enjoyed it…" Craig said breathlessly.

"Don't you ever want to do it again?"

"I... I don't know…"

"Would you like to do it with me?" Ciara's tongue flicked over Craig's lips for a second. Pausing she waited for her advances to be refused, but instead Craig sat motionless, his eyes fixed on her ruby lips that curled into a satisfied smile as she watched him.

It hadn't been the Christmas party when Ciara had first noticed Craig Dean. She had spotted him the first day he walked into the office building. He had been a shy, nervous and yet incredibly sexy young student employed on a temporary basis as he completed university. Ciara had been thrilled when she discovered his employment had been made permanent, a delight that was considerably marred when she found out that his boyfriend was moving to Dublin with him.

From that moment Ciara had wanted him. The very fact that he was with someone, that he was with another man, did nothing to dissuade her, if anything it just served to make Craig seem even more desirable and now that he was within her grasp she had no intention of letting him slip away.

"We can go back to mine," Ciara said as she touched a brief kiss to Craig's lips. "It's not far… we could be there in a few minutes… I want to take you to bed Craig… I want to show you what you've been missing…"

"I don't think…I…" Craig felt uncertain. She smelled so good, her lips tasted so sweet, the pressure of her breast against his arm was so enticing… but he shouldn't. Should he?

"Shhh… don't think about it… I know you want me… I can feel it… I want to feel it… I want to feel you… inside me… so bad…"

Craig couldn't find the words to refuse and, when Ciara slipped from her stool, took his hand and began to lead him to the door, Craig couldn't find the reason to object.

* * *

John Paul moaned quietly in his sleep as a confused tumble of images rolled through his brain. At the centre of it all was Craig. He was hurt, or lost, or something, something bad was happening and John Paul couldn't reach him, no matter how hard he tried Craig was just too far away.

John Paul cried out in fear as Craig was suddenly pulled from his sight leaving John Paul alone. All alone.

* * *

The second the front door closed Craig gave up thinking. Thinking made it too difficult, made some part of his brain that wasn't drunk on whiskey or desire question what he was doing and he didn't want to question it. He wanted to enjoy it.

Ciara laughed, a soft ringing of Irish bells, as Craig pushed her down onto the bed. His mouth crashed against hers with a passionate hunger as he roughly forced his tongue between her lips.

Pushing her dress up to her hips Craig tore away her flimsy underwear, lowered his zip and drove himself into her without hesitation.

It wasn't just that Ciara's enjoyment didn't register highly on Craig's list of priorities at that moment, but rather that it didn't register at all. He wasn't there to pleasure her but rather to satisfy himself.

Craig bucked his hips hard and fast as his mouth clamped down tightly on the woman's mouth, moaning into her as his climax quickly approached.

This wasn't about sex, or pleasure. It wasn't about being gay or being straight. It was about Craig proving that he didn't need John Paul but, as his body shuddered with physical release, Craig knew he was wrong. About all of it.

* * *

John Paul winced as he washed two aspirin down with a large glass of water. The other reason he didn't like vodka was the stinking hangover it gave him.

John Paul had woken half an hour earlier, the morning light streaming through the windows and piercing into his eyes like sharp blades of sunshine, making him whimper in pain as he dragged himself upright.

He had been shocked to discover that Craig still hadn't returned home and, as he sat nursing an untouched mug of tea he began to worry.

A million "what if's" raced through his head. Ranging from "What if Craig had left and didn't plan to come back" to "What if Craig had been in an accident" and everything in between.

John Paul felt a tremendous sense of relief when he heard a key scratching in the lock half an hour later and a slightly bedraggled Craig shuffled into the room.

"Craig… where have you been? Are you alright? I was really worried… you didn't take your phone… I'm so sorry for everything I said… I didn't mean it… I love you… I really love you…" John Paul's words tumbled from his mouth as he rushed forward to pull the older man into his arms.

Craig stiffed in John Paul's hold, shame and guilt washing over him as John Paul whispered love and apologies into his ear. With an awkward shrug he pushed John Paul away from him. He couldn't bear to have the blue-eyed man touch him, he felt soiled and dirty and John Paul deserved better.

"Craig? Is everything alright?" John Paul asked, his brilliant azure eyes glistening with concern.

"Yeah I… I just need a shower," Craig mumbled.

"Where did you go?"

"I…err… I bumped into one of the guys from work… had a few too many and crashed at his place," Craig lied, his eyes looking anywhere but at the gentle face of the man he loved. The man he had betrayed. "I feel pretty grimy… gonna get showered and wash all this stale beer off me."

Without a backward glance Craig shuffled towards the bathroom. He hated lying to John Paul but he couldn't ever tell him the truth. He could never admit to having had sex with a virtual stranger before racing from her house in a blind panic, vomiting in the gutter and spending a few restless hours shivering in a shop doorway, too ashamed to go straight home.

John Paul smiled as he watched Craig's retreating back. He had thought that his hangover was bad but it seemed to be nothing compared to how Craig was suffering. But Craig was home. That was the main thing.

* * *

Craig turned the dial on the shower up one more notch, and then another, and another, but no matter how high he turned it the water didn't seem hot enough. Even as the room filled with steam and his skin stung from the assault of the burning downpour he still felt chilled. He still felt dirty.

Resting his forehead against the damp tiles Craig wept, the water from the shower mingled with his tears and washed them away. But he knew he wouldn't be able to cleanse himself from the shame or the guilt as easily.

Grabbing the shower gel Craig coated himself in the thick perfumed liquid and frantically began to rub away every last trace of that woman. Desperate to wash away every hint that he had ever touched her, that he had ever kissed her and that he had… Craig gripped his stomach as he felt the bile begin to rise.

With one had against the wall for support Craig leant over the drain and retched, his body trying desperately to expel whatever it was that was making him so nauseous. But he couldn't rid himself of the one thing that was making him feel that way, himself.

With the soap finally rinsed away and a clean white towel wrapped around his middle Craig Dean stood in front of the bathroom mirror. With one hand he wiped away the think condensation and looked carefully at the reflection of the man before him. His soft brown eyes were underscored with the dark rings that told of a restless night and their brightness seemed dulled by a look of guilt.

With a sigh Craig realised that he had two options. He could let one drunken mistake ruin the rest of his life or he could embrace the one overriding truth that the night had given him.

John Paul was the only man for him. No… John Paul was the only PERSON for him. There wasn't another man or woman on the planet who could touch Craig's heart so perfectly and so deeply.

Grabbing a robe from the back of the bathroom door Craig pulled the soft fabric around his body. His choice was made.

* * *

John Paul was seated at the living room table, a fresh mug of tea in his hands and another beside him. He looked up as Craig entered the room and smiled. The man looked considerably more refreshed than half an hour earlier and the look that passed between the two men warmed them both to their very core.

"So tell me," Craig said, stopping to pick up the scattering of names that he had thrown on the floor the previous evening. "Who are we having sitting next to Nana McQueen?"

John Paul laughed. "It doesn't matter…" he said with a smile as Craig's arm slipped around his shoulder.

"It matters," Craig said as he leant forward and, with one finger, tilted John Paul's face towards him, "It all matters."

Craig's kiss was warm and gentle and, closing his eyes as he enjoyed the warmth of his lover's mouth, John Paul could see their future stretching out before them and he knew pure happiness.

* * *

John Paul couldn't remember ever feeling so terrified in his life. He felt as if his entire body was trembling with fear, his palms were damp with sweat; his mouth was dry and his throat raw. John Paul's eyes rested on his feet for a moment, the patent black leather of his shoes shone brightly and he was grateful that they had chosen the dark grey, almost black, suits rather than the paler ones they had first looked at as he pressed his moist palms against his trouser legs.

Looking up John Paul was instantly wrapped in calm. Craig's eyes glistened so vibrantly and with so much love that all of John Paul's fears melted away in an instant. He knew that there were other people there, he could half hear their whispers, just like he could half smell the flowers that decorated the hotel's function room and he could half sense the presence of the celebrant stood before him. But all those things only made it to the periphery of John Paul's thoughts; the majority of his heart and mind was consumed by the overwhelming love for the man he was about to marry.

Reaching out a trembling hand Craig laced his fingers between John Paul's, finding some comfort in the fact that they were shaking as much as his own.

The two men smiled at each other, their eyes locked together reflecting the love between them back into eternity.

Craig licked his lips. For two weeks he had been writing his vows, perfecting every word, every syllable so that he could explain how much the wonderful man before him really meant and how much love he had found safe in John Paul's arms.

"Craig…" the celebrant prompted gently as the silence seemed to grow.

Craig opened his mouth to speak, the carefully rehearsed words ready and poised on the tip of his tongue and then, in a flash of soft blue, they were gone.

"I…" Craig began. "I mean I…" Craig laughed nervously as John Paul tightened his grip on the man's hand.

Casting a glance behind him Craig smiled at the gathering of friends and family. Steph grinned at her younger brother, nodding her encouragement to say what he had to. Craig's smile faltered for a second as he looked at Steph, Debbie, Jake, Darren and Jack all sat together on the front row. Exactly where Frankie should have been sitting. Where Frankie should have been to see the happiest day of her youngest sons life.

"She's here somewhere," John Paul whispered gently, squeezing Craig's hand tightly as the older man turned his gaze back to his soon to be husband. Craig's smile returned, he knew that John Paul was right; nothing would have kept Frankie away on such an important day.

Craig took a deep breath; drawing strength from the man he loved and smiled. It didn't matter what he said, the only thing that mattered was that John Paul was there to hear it.

"I had all this worked out earlier," Craig began with a small laugh. "The perfect words for the perfect day… but when I look at you…" Craig paused for a second to bask in the beauty of John Paul's eyes, warmed by the love that radiated from them.

"But when I look at you," Craig continued, reaching up his free hand to brush a thumb lightly over the softness of John Paul's cheek, "I forget every word. I never thought that it was possible for life to be this perfect, or for love to be this complete. Falling in love with you was the most terrifying thing I've ever done… and the most rewarding. I look at you here today… our day… and I remember the words someone once said to me a long time ago… I didn't understand them at the time, but now, today, I know exactly what they mean…" Craig gripped both of John Paul's hands tightly as he stared so deeply into the man's bright azure eyes that he was in danger of drowning in their blueness. "John Paul McQueen," Craig said loudly and confidently, "When I'm not with you I think about you all of the time… and when I am with you I feel like my heart's gonna burst… I'm in love with you." With another squeeze of John Paul's hands Craig lowered his voice slightly, "I love you John Paul… I'm gonna spend the rest of my life loving you."

Craig turned to look at his family once more, nodding at Jake in an instruction for his brother to get to his feet. Jake took a few steps towards Craig and, dipping his hand in his jacket pocket, he took a moment to silently congratulate his young brother on his happiness. Jake didn't really understand the relationship between the two younger men but even he could see it for what it was and he knew that that was the happiness he wanted for Craig.

The two brothers grasped hands for a second before Craig's attention was once again on John Paul. Gently lifting the man's left hand Craig slipped the small gold band that Jake had just passed him onto John Paul's finger. They both looked at the ring for a moment, a bright shining symbol of their commitment to each other with the words "Love Always" delicately etched into its otherwise unadorned surface. Simple and pure.

"Craig…" John Paul's voice cracked as he said the name and he was surprised to feel the warmth of a tear trickle over his cheek. Brushing the tear away quickly John Paul turned an embarrassed smile to the celebrant who nodded kindly at him, indicating that he should take a moment to compose himself.

Running his thumb over the gold band on his finger John Paul closed his eyes briefly, allowing his emotions to settle slightly before he could face the overwhelming love that he saw as he once again looked at Craig.

"Craig Dean," John Paul said with a tone of awe in his voice. "How did I ever get lucky enough for someone like you to love me? Meeting you changed my life… completed my life… before you I was only ever part of what I could be but now… now I know, with you here by my side, I can face anything… we can face anything… even if you did go stealing my words to use as your vows!" Craig laughed softly and shrugged his shoulders, a glint of mischief and love shining from the liquid chocolate of his eyes. John Paul grinned suddenly as a voice from his past seemed to whisper in his ear. Gripping Craig's hands tightly again John Paul echoed a few words that had once changed his life. "Remember this," John Paul said with a broad smile, "Remember this… I love you… alright… I… LOVE… YOU!"

Both men grinned at each other as the memory of the day Craig had first slurred those drunken words to John Paul filled their minds. Neither of them could have anticipated just how much their lives would change in the years that followed, or how much their love would grow until they were standing in front of all the people in their lives that mattered, committing themselves to each other for the rest of their lives.

"John Paul…" The blonde haired man turned towards the sound of his name, a warm hand resting on his shoulder. "I think you need this."

John Paul smiled as he took the ring from Jacqui's hand. She looked so beautiful that he couldn't help but take a moment to admire her. She was happy. And the happier she became the less she felt the need to hide behind the war paint that had been her protection for so many years. Finally the true beauty of the woman was allowed to shine through.

John Paul slipped a gold band, identical to his own, onto Craig's finger to the accompanying cheers and applause of their friends and families. Cupping Craig's face in his shaking hands John Paul stepped forward and, for the first time, kissed the soft lips of his new husband.


	3. Chapter 3

"Well done you!"

John Paul smiled as arms snaked around his waist and a chin rested on his shoulder, warm lips pressing softly against his neck.

"Thanks Lin," John Paul said as he turned in the blonde woman's embrace to pull her in close and squeeze her tightly.

Reaching up to hold her friend's face Linda touched her freshly lipsticked mouth against his lips, laughing gently as he grimaced and wiped away the greasy pink mark.

"Careful," John Paul teased, "My husband can be very jealous you know."

John Paul's cheeks flushed at his first use of the word "husband" and a smile that began deep within his soul shone out brightly from his eyes.

"I'm more likely to be jealous that he gets a kiss and I don't," Craig laughed as he stole Linda from John Paul's arms, peppering her face with sloppy kisses until she playfully fought him off.

Linda stepped back to look at her two friends. She had never seen either of them looking so complete, so content or so very much a part of each other. Despite everything that life had thrown at them they had managed to come out of the other side intact, and together. Linda felt as if she had travelled their journey with them. She had been there through their tears and laughter, she had held John Paul in her arms as he wept over the accusations of rape, just as she had held tightly onto Craig's hand as they both waited for John Paul to come out of surgery when he had been stabbed. There had been times when it seemed as if the world somehow held a grudge against them and wanted nothing more than to cause them pain and heartache.

But, as the early afternoon sun shone down on the couple and the love they shared glowed from their eyes and their smiles Linda knew that the world never stood a chance compared to those two wonderful men.

"What's that smile for?" John Paul asked, tilting his head to one side with his enquiry.

"Nothing," Linda replied, her smile growing wider. "It's just… you two… you look… happy!"

Reaching for his husband's hand John Paul laced their fingers together as they shared a look that, for a moment, excluded the rest of the world.

"I've never been happier," both men said, almost simultaneously, laughing as they tore their gaze from each other.

"So!" Craig said with a grin. "You recommend this marriage lark then?"

As if on cue and arm slid around Linda's shoulders and a contentment of her own echoed in her eyes as she looked into Patrick's face.

"Oh definitely," Linda said with conviction. "It's the best thing I've ever done!"

Extending his hand to the newlyweds Patrick smiled. "Congratulations," he said warmly.

"Oh Patrick… have you got the thing?" Linda giggled with a hint of mischief as she turned to her husband.

"What are you up to Lin?" John Paul asked with suspicion.

"Nothing," Linda replied with fake innocence. "Just got you a wedding present…"

"You already got us a present…"

"So I got you another one…"

Patrick pulled a package the size of a small hardback book from the inside pocket of his jacket and handed it to Craig.

The dark haired man's eyebrows rose as he turned the neatly wrapped parcel over in his hands.

"What is it?" Craig asked as he started to pick at the tape sealing one edge.

"You'd better leave it till later," Linda said with a grin as she rested her hand on top of Craig's to prevent him from opening the parcel further. "When you're alone!"

"Lin what is it?" John Paul asked with amusement.

"You'll like it," Linda said with a sparkle in her eyes, "I promise!"

"If we could have everybody together please," a voice called, making the four friends turn as the photographer fought to gain some semblance of order from the wedding party.

"What d'you think it is?" Craig asked, slipping the parcel into his pocket as he and John Paul took their places at the front of their family and friends for the first of many photographs that would be taken that day.

"I've got no idea," John Paul replied as he smiled towards the camera. "But I'm looking forward to finding out!"

--

John Paul sighed as he fell into one of the large armchairs in the hotel room, sinking deeply into its softness.

"What a day!" he said, rubbing a hand over his face before stopping to look at the golden band that now adorned his finger.

Twisting the ring around John Paul let his eyes wander lazily over the gentle engraving. "Love Always." It was such a simple sentiment but it seemed to express so much, just as it had the day that Craig had given him that watch. That felt like a lifetime ago, they had been little more than children trying to understand the feelings of adults, they hadn't stood a chance.

But fate, or god, or maybe just love, had decided they deserved another chance and this time they had been ready for it and they knew better than to ever let it get away again.

"Champagne?" Craig asked, popping the cork on the bottle and pouring two glasses without even waiting for a reply.

"Craig… we have done the right thing haven't we?" John Paul asked, turning his head slightly to look at his new husband.

"Regrets already?" Craig teased as he kicked off his shoes and padded over to the armchair. Handing John Paul one of the champagne flutes Craig climbed onto his husband's lap and sipped slowly at his own drink while taking in the incredible depths of John Paul's eyes.

"Course not," John Paul replied, his arm snaking around Craig's waist to stroke softly at the man's thigh. "It's just… I don't know… it's been a mad few days I guess… it's like we've been planning this for so long and suddenly it was here and now…"

"Now it's all over you're feeling the anti-climax…"

"Maybe…"

Draining his glass Craig placed it on the floor, his eyes encouraging John Paul to quickly consume his own drink until both empty glasses were lying side by side.

"I'm sure I can make you feel a different kind of climax…" Craig teased. Leaning forward he let his tongue flick over John Paul's lips, lapping at the sweet taste of champagne for a moment and then searching out the heat of John Paul's mouth.

John Paul groaned into the kiss, his hands burrowing inside Craig's jacket before hitting against the hard object still secreted in the inside pocket.

Fishing out the present John Paul pulled back from the kiss.

"D'you think we should open it?" He asked with a grin.

"Well Lin DID say we should open it when we're alone…"

"True…"

With a quick ripping of paper Linda's wedding present to her friends was revealed. Craig laughed out loud, both at the gift and also at the look of stunned surprise on John Paul's face.

"Oh no!" John Paul exclaimed. "She didn't!"

John Paul's eyes were wide as he stared at the object in his hand.

"Craig… you must have…" John Paul began.

"Well she asked…"

"But you didn't have to…"

"She said it'd be worth it!"

Both men looked at the simple silver picture frame that was gripped tightly in John Paul's hand. Neither of them noticed the softly scrolling design that decorated the edge of the frame or the way their names had been engraved at the bottom with the "L" of John Paul looping up to entwine with the "C" of Craig.

Neither of them could see anything put the picture that was secured behind the glass.

"So you what?" John Paul asked unblinkingly, "You emailed them to her?"

"Well… yeah," Craig laughed, "She was right though…"

"How d'you mean…"

"Oh come on John Paul," Craig said insistently as he took the picture frame from his husband's hand and brought it closer to his face. "It's bloody brilliant… we look so fucking hot!"

John Paul looked at the picture and couldn't help but admit that he liked what he saw. Resting his head against Craig's shoulder John Paul smiled.

"We DO look good," he said with a grin, admiring the picture that captured a moment, which in reality, had never existed.

Immortalised on the glossy paper was an image of the two men. Each of them knew half of the picture intimately, had slept with it under their pillow for months and looked at it as they touched themselves. But they had never seen those pictures in they way there were now presented.

With a clever and careful use of a graphics programme John Paul and Craig were given the chance to see those images skilfully blended together, so that it appeared as if they had indeed been kneeling beside each other on the bed that day.

The two young men smiled out lustfully from the photograph, their naked bodies seemingly only inches apart as they held onto their fully engorged cocks, giving the impression that they would, at any moment, turn to each other to satisfy the very evident desires of their flesh.

"You know what's even sexier than that?" Craig asked as he placed the picture on the table and slipped from John Paul's lap.

"What?" John Paul asked with a grin that said he already knew the answer.

Reaching for John Paul's hands Craig pulled his new husband to his feet before reaching his hands to the younger man's perfect face. "You are," Craig breathed as he moved to press his lips to the softness of John Paul's mouth.

The men kissed gently, the champagne still sweet on their lips as their tongues began a slow seductive dance between them.

"You know what I want to do right now?" Craig breathed into John Paul's hot mouth.

"Tell me…" John Paul replied somewhat breathlessly as Craig's tongue tickled lightly at his lips.

"I want to take my new husband to bed and show him just how sexy he is and how much I love him…" Craig's hands wandered sown John Paul's sides and gripped his hips tightly as he spoke.

"You know I think I like that plan," John Paul replied with a smile as he reached up and pushed Craig's jacket from his shoulders, letting it fall to the floor behind him.

"I thought you would," Craig grinned, pulling at John Paul's tie and throwing it to the ground once it was undone.

"You know me too well…"

"Intimately!"

The two men moved slowly towards the bed, scattering items of clothing as they moved and stroking their hands over newly exposed flesh.

"I know just what this does to you," Craig teased as he lowered his mouth to John Paul's neck, sucking against it gently and then sinking his teeth in hard, an action that was accompanied by the plaintive moan of pleasure that rose up from deep within John Paul's belly.

"And this…" Craig continued, moving his mouth over John Paul's naked chest and swirling his tongue over the man's nipples, making them become instantly hard as he sucked against them and rolled them between his lips.

"Craig!" John Paul gasped as every nerve of his body tingled at his lover's gentle touch.

Reaching for Craig's face John Paul pulled the man back up to him, his mouth hungry for the taste of his new husband as he kissed him passionately, falling ungraciously onto the king sized bed and pulling Craig down on top of him.

Craig froze for a moment, his face hovering inches above John Paul's as he lay full length on top of the man he adored. Craig felt unable to breathe or even move as he looked into the fathomless depths of John Paul's dazzling blue eyes. An uncontrollable rush of emotion assaulted Craig's senses and tears sprang unbidden to his eyes, rolling slowly down his cheeks as he blinked.

"Craig?" John Paul whispered gently as he brushed the tears from his husband's face.

"I can't believe we really made it," Craig said in a low voice that was heavy with emotion. "After everything… we actually got here…"

"Idiot!" John Paul teased affectionately, "Of course we made it… I never doubted it…"

"Never?"

"Well… maybe once or twice… but I always knew… right from that very first kiss… I knew I was never gonna be able to love anyone else this much…"

"I don't deserve you…"

"Don't be silly!"

"No I mean it I don't… I…" Craig swallowed hard and he bit his lip. "The things I've done… I…"

"Craig!" John Paul said, lifting his head he pressed his mouth firmly to Craig's. "We've both done stupid things but that's all in the past now… today is the start of a new life… OUR new life and I…"

With a laugh John Paul wrapped his arms around Craig's middle and spun them over on the bed until he was straddling the older man and looking down into Craig's deep chocolate eyes with unreserved love. "I intend to start enjoying my honeymoon!"

"And how d'you plan on doing that?" Craig asked with a cheeky grin that sparkled in his eyes.

"Well first I'm gonna do this…" John Paul said as moved to Craig's side and quickly unfastened the man's trousers and eased them quickly over his hips before pushing them to the floor. Taking a deep breath John Paul drank in the sight of Craig's perfect naked form, his firm body lying sprawled on the bed was the most arousing sight John Paul had ever known and he never tired of seeing it. His eyes roamed slowly up the length of Craig's toned legs, his firm shapely calves and strong thighs softly dusted with hair, leading up to the nest of thicker hair out of which Craig's long thick cock stood proud. Its deep purple head glistened with drops of precum and it seemed to throb in time with the beating of Craig's racing heart.

"And then this…" John Paul continued, lowering his face to Craig's cock and running his tongue slowly over its length from root to tip and back again.

"Oh god…" Craig whimpered appreciatively as he sank his fingers into John Paul's course blonde hair.

John Paul's tongue lapped warmly at Craig's heavy balls, sucking them into his mouth one at a time and then letting them slip out again, only to repeat the action. Craig's breathing grew heavier as the attentions of John Paul's mouth intensified, his tongue travelling back over the length of Craig's cock and probing at its sensitive tip to pull in the flavour of Craig's excitement.

Craig's hands reached for John Paul's trousers, desperately trying to free the man from them.

Moving back for a second John Paul quickly removed the remainder of his clothing and then straddled Craig's chest in a sixty-nine position, as he returned his attentions to Craig's cock, which twitched in anticipation as the heat of John Paul's breath approached it.

Craig moaned as John Paul's mouth enveloped the head of his cock, his lips wrapping tightly around it as he sucked it deeper into him.

Craig reached out one hand to stroke along the length of John Paul's firm cock before raising his head slightly to press his mouth to its tip and coating his lips in the rich droplets of precum that rested there. Licking his lips clean Craig stretched out both hands to grip John Paul's buttocks and pull the man's groin lower as he opened his mouth to take his delicious cock into its hot depths.

John Paul moaned around the thickness that filled his mouth as Craig quickly consumed his cock

The room echoed with the combined moans of pleasure from both men as they both bucked their hips, forcing their cocks deeper into the willing throats that readily accepted them.

Craig's fingers dug deeply into the soft flesh of John Paul's buttocks, kneading them together firmly and then pulling them apart as he trailed one fingertip between them, brushing lightly over the tight opening nestled there.

John Paul sucked harder against Craig's length as the older man's finger probed at his entrance, teasing it quickly into submission and pushing firmly inside.

John Paul gasped loudly at the sudden intrusion and pushed back against Craig's hand to force him in deeper. Craig curled his finger inside the heat of John Paul's flesh as he continued to suck his cock deeply into his throat, making John Paul's body shudder with pleasure as the threat of climax began to build within him.

"Oh fuck Craig," John Paul moaned loudly, "I need you inside me RIGHT NOW!"

Lifting himself upright John Paul turned around, placing his hands on either side of Craig's shoulders he lowered his face to kiss his husband deeply, their tongues swirled together as they exchanged the taste of each other's cocks that lingered deeply inside their mouths.

Taking hold of his saliva-coated cock Craig guided it between John Paul's buttocks, teasing against his throbbing opening and pushing lightly against it without enough force to breach its tight ring of muscle.

Pushing himself away from Craig's kiss John Paul lowered his body onto Craig's waiting cock, throwing his head back, the first wave of pleasured pain washing over him as Craig's thick hard cock sank deeply into his body.

"Fuck yes!" Craig growled, gripping John Paul's hips to hold the man steady as he raised his body to meet John Paul's descent.

The men's eyes locked as their bodies began to move together, rising and falling in perfect harmony, the length of Craig's cock sliding fully into John Paul's tight passage and then easing slowly out before returning to fill him once more.

John Paul's brow shone with perspiration as he rode against the cock inside him, rocking his body harder and faster minute upon minute, and snarling with abandoned pleasure as Craig's cock hit the perfect spot inside him time and time again.

Craig's cock throbbed heavily inside the hot tight passage of John Paul's flesh, the need to come inside him growing more urgent with every thrust of his hips until he didn't think he would be able to hold back much longer.

Gripping John Paul's cock Craig stroked it firmly, his tight grip running up and down its length to deeper growls that rumbled in John Paul's throat.

Tightening the muscles that gripped Craig's cock John Paul urged Craig on, driving the older man faster and faster towards his release.

"Fuck me Craig," John Paul implored, "Fuck me harder… god Craig I want to feel you come inside me…"

"Christ John Paul…" Craig moaned, bucking his hips hard and fast, unable to resist the pleasures of John Paul's body and the insistence of his words.

Craig cried out as his climax erupted from him, the heat of his desire throbbing deeply into John Paul's hungry body in wave after wave of pure physical perfection.

As his orgasm subsided Craig's body relaxed back against the bed, his eyes wide as a bright smile shone from his face. His hand still gripped John Paul's hard cock as the younger man raised his body once more.

Resting his hands against the wall John Paul pressed his cock against Craig's lips, which quickly parted to allow it to be pushed deep into his throat.

Craig gagged as John Paul's cock reached the back of his throat and John Paul pulled back slightly only for Craig to move forward and fill his throat once more.

John Paul's fingers clawed at the wall as Craig sucked hard against his length, his hips bucking forward to push his cock into the heat of Craig's mouth before pulling out slightly and then driving back inside.

Looking down John Paul watched as Craig's lips wrapped firmly around his throbbing cock, his tongue tracing a frenzied dance over its length and he could resist Craig's ministrations no longer.

"Oh god Craig… yes… fuck yes…"

Craig swallowed hard as the first wash of hot come hit the back of his throat and he continued to suck against John Paul's cock, drinking down every last drop as John Paul shuddered and moaned above him.

Finally sated John Paul fell back onto the bed at Craig's side, breathless and content.

"Happy wedding day," Craig said with a smile and a soft kiss to John Paul's lips.

"I love you," John Paul replied, returning the kiss warmly.

--

"Don't be late home."

Craig smiled at the text message, his eyes instinctively flicking up to the clock on his new office wall. His own office. A recent promotion meant that he no longer had to share with colleagues, a change which was both a blessing and a curse. While Craig enjoyed the peace and privacy his new surroundings provided he would sometimes miss the company he had enjoyed while sharing with Steve and to a lesser degree Anthony.

It was already gone four-thirty and, although his workday officially ended at five, Craig was often found working until much later. Thankfully John Paul had never begrudged Craig's long hours, appreciating as he did the need for his husband to progress well in the company. Just as Craig accepted that being a DJ meant John Paul would be needed to work most weekends.

But this Friday night was special. They had made plans and neither of them had any intentions of breaking them.

"I'll be leaving at 5," Craig texted back, "What you cooking?"

"Wait and see! Love you xx"

"Love you too. Happy anniversary."

Craig's thumb rubbed absent-mindedly against his gold wedding band as he hit send. It was hard to believe that they had already reached the six-month celebration of their marriage. Sometimes Craig found it hard to believe that he was married at all, that he had finally found the happiness that had eluded him for much of his life. Meeting John Paul had changed everything. Falling in love with John Paul had changed Craig.

"Craig… I need a word…"

Craig lifted his gaze from his mobile phone at the sound of his name being spoken in the doorway of his office.

"Sure what…" Craig's words faltered as he saw the face that peered around the edge of the doorframe at him and the dark eyes that looked at him with uncertainty.

It had been easy to avoid her for the last seven month as she worked for a different department and on a different floor of the building. The one email she had sent after their encounter had been deleted, unread. Craig had no desire to be reminded of his mistake and he certainly had no wish to repeat it.

"Ciara," Craig said quietly. "What d'you want?"

"I need… we… there's…" Ciara's eyes wandered around the room nervously and she seemed unable to look directly at Craig.

"Look unless this is work," Craig snapped, "I don't think we really have anything to…"

Craig stopped talking as Ciara walked fully into the room. For the briefest moment Craig hoped that she had simply gotten fat but as Ciara rested her hand on her swollen belly and finally looked at him Craig knew the truth.

"No…" he said quietly as he felt his world begin to spin out of control. "Tell me it's not…"

"It's yours," Ciara confirmed as she stepped closer to his desk.

"You're sure?"

"I don't make a habit of sleeping around you know."

"No… sorry… it's just… I… shit!"

Ciara looked at Craig closely. He was just as handsome as she remember, or possibly even more so, it seemed that married life was agreeing with him and she felt a genuine regret that she was putting his happiness in jeopardy.

It was true that she had set her sights on Craig in the bar that night, maybe she had even wanted to steal him away from John Paul, but she had quickly realised that her goal was selfish and stupid and had been pleased to hear that their wedding had gone off without a hitch.

Craig's wedding day was a date that Ciara would always remember. That was the day the doctor confirmed she was pregnant, a fact she had suspected but tried to ignore for the previous few weeks.

Six weeks after sleeping with Craig Dean and on the day he married another man Ciara found out she was going to be a mother.

Ciara had originally considered terminating the pregnancy and had gone as far as booking an appointment at the clinic. But at the last minute she had reconsidered, deciding that keeping the child was the only option she would ever really be comfortable with.

Two weeks after Craig returned from his honeymoon Ciara had emailed him asking if they could meet to talk. She had taken his silence as a "no" and decided to cut him out of the picture completely. He didn't want her, she knew that, and she was just as certain that he wouldn't want their child. Ciara was prepared to face a life as a single mother.

"I wasn't gonna tell you," Ciara said quietly as she closed the office door to gain them some privacy. "I mean you'd just got married and everything… I really don't want to mess your life up Craig…"

"So why… why now?" Craig asked, his eyes fixed on the rounded mass of the young woman's belly as if he expected the child to appear at any moment. "It's been months since… since we… why tell me now?"

Ciara sighed. The look in Craig's eyes tore at her heart. It was as if he could see his world crumbling around him and she was at the centre of it all, causing the destruction. But the priorities in Ciara's life had changed recently and she could no longer worry about the effect her pregnancy would have on his life. Craig Dean was as responsible for this child as Ciara was, and as such he needed to take on that responsibility.

"I can't do it on my own," Ciara explained, "Financially I mean… I thought I could… I thought I'd be able to cope. But once I have to give up work… I just can't manage and I … we… we need your support…"

"Money?" Craig said quietly. "That's all… you just want money?" Scrabbling in his desk drawer Craig pulled out his chequebook. "How much?" He asked.

"I'm not asking for a hand out Craig," Ciara snapped angrily. "You can't buy me off with a few thousand euros…"

"I never suggested that I could," Craig replied guiltily. For the briefest moment he had dared hope that the situation could be resolved by the flourish of a pen and he could pretend it had never happened.

"Look Craig," Ciara said gently, resting her hand on his shoulder. "I know this isn't easy for you… and I'm sorry, really I am… but this child, YOUR child… he's a lifetime commitment… for both of us."

"HE?"

"Yeah…"

"You know for sure?"

"Yes Craig… you're gonna have a son."

Craig allowed a brief smile to flicker across his lips at the thought of a son. A young Dean who could learn all of his father's childhood scams, who he could play football with in the park, who John Paul could teach to DJ…

Craig smile died.

John Paul.

How was he supposed to tell John Paul?

--

Craig's hand paused on the door handle to the flat.

He'd loved this apartment since the first moment John Paul had moved in. It had changed from being somewhere that Craig lived to being his home and now it was somewhere he was afraid to enter.

Inside, only feet beyond the front door, John Paul was happily preparing an anniversary meal oblivious to the fact that his husband was about to ruin everything.

Taking a deep breath Craig shakily unlocked the door and pushed it slowly open.

An assortment of aromas greeted him as he stepped inside the flat. A rich blend of herbs and spices, which hinted at one of John Paul's delicious curries, and a sweet fruity undertone that teased Craig's senses with the promise of apple crumble.

Craig could hear a soft whistling coming from the kitchen as he tiptoed quietly into the living room, not announcing his arrival in an attempt to put off the terrible moment of truth as long as he could.

Dropping his briefcase by the side of the armchair Craig collapsed into it. He pulled at his tie, which refused to come easily undone, making him pull it over his head angrily and throw it across the room in frustration.

Burying his face in his hands Craig sighed. The sound was desolate and lost and the feeling echoed deep inside his chest.

Looking up at the sound of footsteps Craig saw John Paul approaching. His deep blue eyes shone with unquestionable love, mixed with a hint of concern at his husbands apparent weariness.

"I didn't hear you come in," John Paul said as he leant over Craig and touched a gentle kiss to his lips. A kiss that Craig felt unable, or unworthy, to return and yet a kiss that he yearned for more than any other in his entire life. "Is everything OK, you look tired…"

"I'm sorry…" Craig said quietly as he cast his eyes to the floor.

"That's OK," John Paul replied kindly, falling to his knees at Craig's side and taking the man's hands in his own. "We don't have to do the big anniversary night out if you're tired… we can just leave it at a quiet meal together yeah?"

Craig felt tears begin to form in his eyes and he couldn't bring himself to look at John Paul because he knew that the sight would break his heart.

"I'm so sorry John Paul… I really am…"

John Paul felt a fear grip his chest. Craig was trembling, his hands shaking violently in John Paul's grip and his voice was heavy with unwept tears.

"Craig what is it?" John Paul asked nervously. Was Craig ill? Had somebody died? Had he lost his job? A hundred alternatives raced through John Paul's mind, but never for a moment did he consider the true reason for his husband's distress.

"I never meant…" Craig took a deep breath as he tightened his grip on John Paul's hands, wondering if it might be the last time he got to hold them. "I really never meant to hurt you… I love you… I love you so much and if I could go back… if I could change things I would… you know I would…"

"Craig what's happened? You're scaring me now… please just tell me, whatever it is it can't be as bad as the things I'm imagining…"

John Paul's breath caught in his chest as Craig finally met his gaze. The older man's deep chocolate eyes were filled with tears that tumbled over his soft cheeks as he blinked.

"I didn't mean to…"

"Craig tell me…"

"I need you to forgive me… I need you to understand…"

"Just tell me…"

"I… I can't… I…"

"Craig please…."

"I… I'm sorry… I…" Closing his eyes Craig took a deep breath and forced out the words in a pained whisper. "I slept with someone else…"

John Paul's hands pulled back from Craig's hold as if they were burned. He could feel the sharp burn of bile at the back of his throat as nausea rose up from his stomach.

"No," he breathed, shaking his heads to try and make the words go away.

"John Paul please, I'm sorry… it didn't mean anything… we'd had a fight, it didn't mean anything, please tell me you understand…" Craig reached out to John Paul but the man moved further back, his soft blue eyes staring unfocussed at the ground.

"Tell me you didn't…"

"I'm sorry…"

"Why? When? I thought… I thought we were happy…" Pulling himself onto the sofa John Paul turned his broken azure stare to Craig and the man whimpered at the pain he had placed there.

"We were," Craig assured him, "We are… it was before… before we got married… I would never, never do it again, I swear to you…"

"Then why?" John Paul looked at the man he loved. It was still the Craig that he knew, that he loved, but something was different now. Or maybe everything was different.

"We'd been fighting," Craig said sadly. "I went out… got drunk… it was… it was stupid… it was nothing… it was a mistake John Paul, that's all… just one stupid mistake…"

John Paul frowned as he recalled the weeks leading up to their wedding. Things had gotten stressful for a while and they had fought more than usual, but that was normal, everyone had said so.

"That night you didn't come home?" John Paul asked, suddenly remembering that one bad fight when Craig had stormed out, not returning home until the next morning.

Craig nodded. "I'm sorry," he repeated quietly, knowing that it wasn't enough, that it would never be enough and that he still had more to say, more pain to give John Paul.

"Why now?" John Paul asked shaking his head in confusion. "Why tell me now after all this time. Why tell me TODAY?"

"She's pregnant."

The words were hardly a whisper but the sound of them tore John Paul's world apart. His hand hurt and he couldn't understand why until he saw the small trickle of blood running from the corner of Craig's mouth.

John Paul had no recollection of getting up from the sofa or returning to it, but the pain in his hand and the blood on Craig's face told him that he had.

Craig didn't move. He knew that he deserved it, he deserved so much more. The one thing in his life that he had never believed he deserved had been John Paul and he had finally proved that belief right.

John Paul looked down at his hand for some time. The silence in the room thick and impenetrable as he observed the flecks of blood on his knuckles, wondering if they belong to him or if it was Craig's blood that decorated his pale skin.

"You know the one thing that always worried me," John Paul said after a while. "The one thing that I was always scared of when we got back together?"

Craig couldn't answer. He had no answers. He felt lost and afraid and the one person who had always been able to rescue him was suddenly so very far away.

"I was always scared that you'd change your mind… about me, about us… I was terrified you'd decide this wasn't what you wanted, that I wasn't what you wanted… and you'd go and find some woman to settle down with and leave me…"

"No…" Craig gasped.

"But I was right Craig," John Paul said, large teardrops tumbling down his face as he spoke. "The first hint of trouble and you run off and bed some woman…"

"It was a mistake…"

"And the next time Craig? The next time we have a fight…"

"I'll never do it again, I swear to you…"

"But how do I ever believe you? I'll always wonder won't I? I'll always think that's exactly what you're gonna be doing…"

"God John Paul I won't, I promise you… I'm disgusted with myself…"

"Well that makes two of us."

Struggling to his feet John Paul headed into the kitchen. "The dinner will be burning…" he said under his breath.

Craig watched his husband leave the room but it felt as if the man was going so much further. And that he was never coming back.

In a daze John Paul turned off the gas rings that held pans of bubbling food and switched off the oven that had been gently cooking the desert. The food that had seemed so delicious as he prepared it now made John Paul want to vomit and he covered his mouth with his hand as wave after wave of nausea rolled over him.

Craig jumped to his feet at the sound of smashing crockery. Racing into the kitchen he watched helplessly as John Paul threw cups and plates at the floor before sinking to the ground amidst the broken shards, his shoulders shaking with heavy sobs.

"John Paul, I'm so sorry," Craig said, his hands reaching for his husband and pulling him into a trembling embrace. "But we can get through this I know we can… I love you… more than anything or anyone… nothing matters to me more than you John Paul… nothing and no one… I won't have anything to do with the boy I promise you… it'll just be the two of us, like always… just us yeah?"

John Paul closed his eyes and hid for a moment in the warmth and comfort of Craig's arms, wishing that he could stay in them forever and pretend that the rest of the world didn't exist. But it did and it refused to allow him the sanctuary that he craved.

"No," John Paul said, pushing Craig away and getting slowly to his feet.

"No?"

"You think you can have a child… a son… and then just ignore him?"

"I can… for you… for us…"

"And you won't resent me for making you give up your child?"

"No…"

"And when you do?"

"I won't…"

"But you will," John Paul said dejectedly, "And even if you didn't he would always be there, between us… what you did will always be there…"

"So what are you saying?"

"I don't… I don't know… I need to think… I need some time… I can't…" John Paul looked at Craig's beautiful face, his deep brown eyes and his soft full mouth. "I can't bare to look at you… please Craig… Just leave me alone…"

"I love you," Craig insisted.

"I know," John Paul replied with a pained smile. "I love you to… but I..?" John Paul shrugged as he turned his back on his husband.

Craig watched as John Paul walked towards the bedroom. He wanted to run after the man, to hold him and convince him that everything could be alright again but he didn't know if he could because he wasn't sure that it would.

Craig stared blankly at the clock on the living room wall. He had no concept of the time despite his gaze being fixed on the clock's hands, just as he had no idea how long he had been sitting there.

He felt numb, lost and alone.

The sound of a car horn outside touched at the periphery of his consciousness but it wasn't until he heard the front door slam closed that the meaning of the sound hit him.

Leaping to his feet Craig rushed to the window just in time to see John Paul climbing into the back of a taxi with a large overnight bag in his hand.

"John Paul wait," Craig shouted as he banged on the window, but the blonde man either didn't hear him or chose to ignore him and the taxi sped away.

Grabbing his mobile from his trouser pocket Craig quickly called John Paul's number.

He was greeted by the familiar music of John Paul's mobile echoing from the bedroom. Walking towards the bed Craig saw John Paul's phone lying in its centre. A sheet of paper was trapped beneath the telephone.

Craig almost didn't want to read the note that John Paul had left for him but he knew that he had to, and he knew he wouldn't like what it said.

John Paul had sat for an hour on their bed trying to find the words to express what he was feeling but in the end there was only one thing he could find to say.

"I'm sorry. I can't do it."

Craig sank to his knees beside the bed and, burying his face into the soft duvet, he wept.


	4. Chapter 4

Linda sighed in frustration at the sound of the front door bell. She had been enjoying a quiet night alone with a selection of her favourite films while Patrick was away on a stage weekend, but it seemed that someone wanted to interrupt her peace.

Looking at the time Linda's annoyance changed to worry. It was close to midnight, far too late for any casual visitor and the fact that someone was there could only mean trouble one way or another.

Wrapping her dressing gown tightly around herself Linda pressed pause on the DVD player and headed out into the hallway.

Stopping to peer through the spy hole in the door Linda was surprised and pleased to see the figure of her dear friend standing patiently on the doorstep.

"John Paul," Linda greeted cheerfully as she opened the door, "I wasn't expecting you, what's going on? Where's Cra…"

Before Linda had even finished saying Craig's name the strong resolve that John Paul had held onto during his flight back to England broke and tears fell heavily, cascading over his cheeks, as if the very sound of his husbands name shattered the dam that he had built to hold them back.

"Oh god John Paul… what's happened?" Linda asked with grave concern as the blonde man, dropping his overnight bag, staggered into her arms, his body shaking with the force of his distressed sobs. "Where's Craig?"

"I… I've left him," John Paul explained through his tears as Linda gently led him into the living room, holding him close as he buried his face into the softness of her robe and wept.

John Paul hadn't had a plan when he packed his bag and left the flat a few hours earlier. All that he was certain of was that he needed to get away and he wasn't sure if he was ever going to go back.

Without conscious thought he had found himself at the airport buying a last minute ticket on the next flight to Liverpool. Taking the journey from John Lennon Airport to Linda's new home on the outskirts of Chester had seemed the logical choice. John Paul knew, without a moment's hesitation, that his old friend wouldn't even consider turning him away, and he'd been right.

Linda stroked her fingers gently through John Paul's hair as she held onto him. It was longer than the last time she'd seen him and that was obviously not the only change that had happened in those few months. Linda knew better than to push for an explanation while her friend was in such a distraught condition and instead she simply rocked him slowly in her arms and made soft comforting sounds while her heart ached for the obvious pain John Paul was suffering.

Eventually John Paul's sobs eased as his body gave way to total physical and emotional exhaustion and Linda's soothing touch and soft voice helped to lull him into an uneasy sleep.

Slowly moving her arms from around her friend Linda eased John Paul's weary body back against the sofa as she got to her feet and, scooping up her mobile from the coffee table, made her way into the kitchen.

The kitchen clock told her that the time was heading towards 1.30am but she knew at least one person that would still be awake at such a late hour and quickly dialled the number.

"John Paul?" Craig said as he answered the phone. He had been pacing the flat in silent panic for hours and the ringing of the telephone had made him jump and quickly run to answer the call in the hope that it was his husband on the other end of the line.

"Craig what the fuck's going on?" Linda asked sharply, without taking time for her usual pleasantries.

"Lin? God is he with you?"

"Yeah… he turned up over an hour ago… Craig what's happened?"

"What did he say?"

"Not much," Linda sighed, the worry was evident in Craig's voice and she could hear the pain he was in as clearly as she had been able to see it in John Paul. "Other than to say he's left you he's not said a word… he's just cried… Christ I've never seen him like this before… what is it?"

"I'm such an idiot Lin," Craig admitted sadly. "No not an idiot, I'm a complete fuck-up… but I didn't mean it… shit if I could turn back time… if I could undo it I really would…"

"Craig what have you done?" Linda could feel a growing fear in her chest. She had seen her two friends through so many of their troubles together but she had truly believed all that was behind them from the moment they publicly declared their intention to spend the rest of their lives together.

"Lin don't hate me," Craig said in a voice that sounded lost and afraid.

"Of course I won't," Linda replied reassuringly, instantly wondering if in fact she would end up hating the dark haired man that seemed to have hurt her friend so terribly.

"I can't believe that I…"

"Craig?"

"It was a stupid mistake…"

"Just tell me…"

"I was drunk…"

"Craig!" Linda closed her eyes as she held her phone close to her ear. She was almost certain that she could guess what had happened, but she still silently prayed that she was wrong.

"I cheated on him," Craig whispered, his eyes squeezed tightly shut to hold back the tears that still pushed their way past his long dark lashes to tumble lazily over his cheeks.

For a moment the two friends stood in silence, their knuckles white as they gripped their phones and contemplated the gravity of Craig's confession.

"Oh Craig," Linda said at last, the words falling from her lips in a sad sigh.

"It was a one off," Craig insisted, knowing that that fact didn't make what he had done any better, that nothing could make it better. "A stupid, stupid drunken shag… oh god Lin, what have I done?"

"When?"

"What?"

"When?" Linda repeated, "When did it happen?"

"Months ago… before we even got married… I wouldn't… not now, I mean… I just wouldn't…"

"So why tell him Craig, why after all this time… what, was your conscience getting the better of you or something?"

"No, it's not like that Lin… I… I didn't have a choice…"

"There's always a choice… like not screwing someone else in the first place… you could have at least left him in ignorance of what a moron his husband can be."

"I had to tell him," Craig explained, "She's pregnant!"

"Fuck!"

"Exactly…"

"Oh Craig… what the hell have you gone and done…"

"If I could go back and change things…"

"But you can't…"

"What do I do Lin?"

Linda took a deep breath as she ran a weary hand over her face. "I don't know Craig," she replied sadly, "I really don't know."

"Tell him I'm sorry… tell him I love him…"

"You really think that's gonna help?"

"It's all I've got… will you try and get him to call me?"

"I'm not sure I can do that Craig," Linda told him gently.

"Why not? I need… I need to talk to him… to explain…"

"Craig, you're my friend and I love you… but right now… right now I've got to do what's best for John Paul and judging by the state he's in I don't think that talking to you is it… at least not yet… give him time yeah? You've really hurt him you know."

"I know."

"I call you again in a couple of days OK?"

"Lin?"

"Yeah?"

"Look after him for me won't you?"

"You know I will Craig… take care of yourself OK?"

"Lin..?" Craig hesitated, searching for something else to say, anything to keep Linda on the phone and not return him to the emptiness of the flat.

"Bye Craig," Linda said, quickly disconnecting the call as she heard movement from the other room.

"Bye," Craig echoed, but the line was already dead and he was alone again.

Hanging up the phone Craig looked around a room that had once felt warm and comforting and shivered. He had never felt so alone in his entire life and he was terrified that it was a feeling he was going to have to get used to.

"Was that Craig?" a bleary eyed John Paul asked standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

Linda looked at the phone in her hand before returning her gaze to her blonde friend. His gentle blue eyes seemed sunken and empty as if the spark of life that had once made them shine had now been extinguished.

"Yeah it was," Linda replied with a half smile.

"He told you?"

"Yeah… you OK?"

John Paul shrugged and turned back to the living room. "Don't have much choice do I?" he said flatly.

"John Paul? What are you gonna do?" Catching up with her friend Linda placed a hand gently on his shoulder and turned him to face her.

"I'm tired Lin… is it OK if I stay in your spare room for a couple of days?"

"Course it is… but John Paul… Craig?"

"What about him?"

"John Paul… you need to talk about this…"

"I think I loved him from the first day we met," John Paul said with a sad smile that illuminated his eyes for a brief moment and then was gone. "I never really thought he'd be mine you know? Guess I was right all along…"

"Don't say that John Paul…"

"It's over Lin," John Paul replied, "Me and Craig… it's over…"

"He still loves you…"

"Does he?"

"You know he does…"

John Paul stopped for a moment and looked at his friend with a smile of genuine affection. Reaching out a hand he stroked the blonde woman's cheek gently before touching a soft kiss against it.

"I'm not sure he ever did," John Paul said quietly before turning and heading for the solace of Linda's spare room.

* * *

John Paul stared at the ceiling. He felt as if he knew ever flaw in the white surface intimately as if he had been looking at it for years. With a sigh he closed his eyes and rubbed a weary hand over his face.

For three days he had hidden himself away in the solitude of Linda's spare room and none of his friends gentle coaxing had made him want to leave it. The second he set foot out of the room John Paul felt like he would have to face the world again and he didn't know if he had the strength to do that yet. Or if he ever would.

A couple of days earlier John Paul had heard Patrick returning home, his jovial greetings for his wife quickly hushed as Linda explain the presence of their guest, and the reason that John Paul was there.

Later that day Patrick had knocked cautiously on the bedroom door, opening it a crack when no answer was forthcoming. John Paul had feigned sleep as Patrick peered through the gap in the doorway, not opening his eyes until he was certain that the man had gone.

As much as he appreciated his friends support John Paul knew that any show of sympathy right now would break him and there was so little of him left to break that he couldn't take the risk.

"You can't lie here forever John Paul," he said to himself in a low voice.

Forcing himself to sit upright John Paul caught a glimpse of his reflection in the dressing table mirror and the image that stared back at him looked like a ghost.

His naturally fair skin looked washed out, with dark circles dulling the normal brightness of his soft blue eyes. His hair was matted, sticking up at unruly angles and in serious need of washing. His face looked drawn and gaunt, already showing evidence of the neglected food that Linda had prepared and then silently taken away uneaten.

"Pull yourself together," John Paul told his reflection firmly as he got to his feet and rummaged through his overnight bag for a change of clothes.

The heat of the water was soothing as John Paul stood under the full force of the shower. His hands rested against the cool white tiles as he let water wash over him, his face was turned directly into the stream and his eyes tightly closed as he wished that the water could wash away the ache in his chest as easily as it washed the dirt from his body. But he knew that nothing could do that except time, and he wasn't even sure that time would really be able to achieve it.

The hot shower left John Paul feeling refreshed and, as he wiped the steam from the bathroom mirror and looked at his tired reflection once again, he knew that it was time to make a few decisions. He could either spend the rest of his life wallowing or he could do something.

"John Paul!"

Linda was both pleased and surprised as her friend entered the kitchen. He looked pale and drawn but the very fact that he had left the spare room was an improvement on the past few days, and his freshly showered appearance gave her hope that he was ready to rejoin the world again.

"Alright Lin?" John Paul slumped into a chair at the kitchen table and smiled up at the young blonde woman. She had been a steadying foundation in his life for so many years and John Paul was certain that Linda had no idea just how much her support and friendship meant to him.

"Tea?" Linda asked flicking the switch on the kettle without waiting for a response.

"Thanks…"

"You're looking better…"

"Well I…"

"It's good to see you up, I was getting worried."

John Paul grimaced at Linda's words. "Sorry Lin… I never meant to…"

"I know," Linda said cutting him off as she sat down facing him, passing a steaming mug of tea across the table. "So what now?"

John Paul cradled his drink, looking down at the reflection of his eyes on the surface of his drink, watching as they swirled with the movement of the liquid and became hazy as the rising steam obscured them. Taking a sip John Paul looked up.

"I don't… I don't suppose you know who owns The Loft these days?"

"The Loft?" Linda repeated curiously. "The Loft in Hollyoaks village? That Loft?"

"Unless you know of another one…"

"I'm not sure… why?"

"Thought about seeing if they had any jobs going," John Paul explained as he turned his attention back to his drink.

"But you've got a job John Paul… back home… back in Dublin…" Linda bit at her lip nervously. It was good to see her friend finally out of the spare room but there was something about his manner that worried her and his eyes, as he looked back at Linda, were the saddest she had ever seen.

"That's not home anymore," John Paul said in a broken whisper.

"You say that now but…"

"NO… I can't go back Lin… I just can't."

"John Paul," Linda reached across the tables and took a gentle hold of the young man's hand. "I know this has all been an awful shock but you just need time to think…"

"What d'you think I've been doing for the last few days Lin?" There was a sad resolve in John Paul's voice as he spoke. "I've been lying in that room doing nothing BUT think… and I can't see any way around all of this…"

"You can't forgive him?"

"Maybe… but it's not that simple…"

"We all make mistakes John Paul… god knows I have… and I know you have…"

"But I never…"

Linda raised her eyebrows at John Paul's denial, a look that reminded him of the many stupid things he had done before Craig came back into his life. The nameless drunken one-night stands that had never quite quenched the need inside no matter how hard he tried to convince himself otherwise.

"What is it John Paul," Linda asked, "The fact that he cheated on you… or the fact that is was with a woman."

"You think that makes a difference?"

"Doesn't it?"

"I don't know… maybe…" John Paul shrugged. "It's what he always wanted after all… to be 'normal'… he could never have that with me…"

"He chose you!"

"And at the first hint of trouble he runs to some woman's bed… what does that tell you?"

"That he's an idiot," Linda laughed softly, "But he's an idiot that loves you John Paul…"

"I used to think that was enough."

"It is…"

"And the baby?"

Linda squeezed her friend's hand tightly. "I don't know…"

"It would always come between us… there'll be a child out there that needs a father… how do I ask him not to do that? How do I ask him to choose?"

"He'd choose you…"

"Maybe… and if he did how long would it be before he resented me making him turn his back like that?" John Paul sighed deeply, there were so many questions that had no answers and he was weary of searching for them. "How long before we fight and sleeps with someone else again… or I think he has… or I drive him to it cause I'm waiting for it to happen anyway… don't you see? Too much has been broken that can't be fixed… I can't forget what he did even if I could forgive it… and I can't pretend that the thought of him having a child with someone isn't killing me…"

"Oh John Paul…"

"I have to let go now cause I don't know what else to do Lin… I can't go back and watch what we had die a little more every day… I can't spend my life waiting for the moment that he leaves… or I leave…"

"So you give up?"

"I start again…"

"Why The Loft?"

"What?"

"Why did you ask about The Loft?"

"I don't know," John Paul shrugged his shoulders and drained the last of his tea. "It's somewhere familiar… safe…"

"Somewhere before Craig?" Linda suggested kindly.

John Paul shook his head. "There never was a before Craig."

* * *

Craig rubbed his eyes in frustration. He had been trying to read the email for the last ten minutes but the words stubbornly refused to even consider sticking in his brain.

What did he care about quarterly financial projections anyway?

It had been six days now since John Paul had left. Six days without a word. Six days of sitting home every night berating himself for being such an idiot and losing the only decent thing he had ever had in his life. Six days of Linda kindly telling him that John Paul couldn't come to the phone because he was in the shower, or out, or asleep, or a dozen different excuses that they both knew were lies designed to save Craig the pain of knowing that his husband couldn't face talking to him.

Six long days and six lonely nights without the man he loved.

"You busy?"

Craig looked up at the unexpected voice in the doorway and was greeted by the smile of a familiar face.

"Adrian!" Craig smiled in confusion. "What are you… why are you here… I… I suppose you heard…"

"Yeah," Adrian acknowledged with a sympathetic smile. "Sorry mate…"

"Suppose you think I'm some sort of bastard…" Craig asked. After all Adrian was John Paul's boss, John Paul's friend, and as such his loyalties were bound to lie with the blue-eyed man.

"Not my place to judge," Adrian replied, "Only I…"

Adrian fidgeted in the doorway, his eyes darting around the room in a manner that made Craig increasingly nervous.

"What? What is it?"

"I had a call from John Paul last night," Adrian said quietly.

"Is he… is he OK… I mean… why did he call you? What did he want?"

Adrian sighed and chewed as his thumbnail with discomfort. He hated being the one to be delivering such news but he knew that someone had to; he knew that Craig deserved to know.

"John Paul…err… he asked me to ship his records and stuff back to Chester…"

"Why? Why… why would he do that… why would he need them?"

"Seems he's landed himself a job in some club over there…"

"But still," Craig reasoned, "It seems a bit much to get everything shipped over only to have to bring it back again… I mean… it's only a temporary job isn't it… Adrian? It is… isn't it?"

"Shit I'm sorry mate," Adrian replied with genuine regret. "But he said he's not coming back… he's staying over there…permanently."

"He can't." Craig felt the world give way beneath him and it was only the fact that he was still seated that prevented him from falling to the ground.

"I'm really sorry," Adrian replied but he already knew that Craig could no longer hear him. He hesitated in the doorway for a moment before turning to leave.

Adrian's heart went out to the young man slumped dejectedly in an office chair. He had never seen anyone who looked so lost or so broken or so very alone.

Craig didn't hear Adrian leave with another "sorry" and a quiet "goodbye". The images on the computer screen before him blurred as his eyes filled with tears. Large drops that were left to tumble carelessly over his cheeks as Craig sat motionless.

John Paul had gone and he was never coming back and somehow, in some way, Craig had to learn to live with that and move on alone.

But he didn't know how to.

And he didn't want to know.

* * *

"John Paul McQueen…" John Paul said his name quietly as he traced the tip of his thumb over a bare patch of skin on his finger, skin that showed the indentation of having recently been adorned by a ring. A wedding ring in fact, the one that he had taken off the previous day.

For six weeks John Paul had continued to wear the ring.

He wore it as he went to meet the new owners of The Loft and secure some occasional DJ work there.

He wore it when he went to see his mother to tell her that yet another of her children's marriages had failed.

He wore it when he moved into his new flat, a cold inhospitable apartment that John Paul could never imagine viewing as home.

And he wore it as he lay in his new bed wondering how something so good could have gone so wrong.

Eventually John Paul knew that he had to take it off, he had to let Craig go and move on. He had to forget the plans and dreams that they had built together and make new ones of his own.

Craig had a different life now and it couldn't include John Paul, it shouldn't include him.

But there was one more thing that John Paul knew he had to do, the one thing he hadn't been able to do since he walked out of the Dublin flat six weeks earlier.

With trembling hands John Paul picked up his telephone and dialled.

The call was answered after only a few rings.

"Hello?"

John Paul froze. His mouth hung open as he stared out into nothing, unable to breath or think or react at all. It felt like a lifetime since he heard that voice but it instantly brought crashing back all of the emotions that John Paul had tried to bury.

"Hello… hello… is there anyone there?"

John Paul searched for words but none came to him and the annoyance in the voice on the other end of the line increased second upon second.

"Look whoever this is… it isn't funny… OK I'm hanging up now…"

"Wait… Craig… it… it's me…"

Craig fell heavily into the armchair as the voice he had given up hope of ever hearing again breathed in his ear.

"John Paul?"

John Paul felt himself smile involuntarily at the sound of his name spoken by the voice that always made it sound like something special.

"How are you?" John Paul mentally kicked himself at the inane question and rubbed his hand over his face, noticing once more the absence of his ring.

"OK," Craig lied; he hadn't been anywhere near OK since the day John Paul walked out. "You?"

"Yeah… fine… I erm… I'm fine…" John Paul sighed as he fidgeted in his seat. When had talking to Craig become so difficult?

"Good… good I'm glad…" Craig closed his eyes, the image of John Paul's face forming perfectly in the darkness and for a moment Craig was afraid to open them again because he knew that he would be alone. "So did you…"

"What?"

"Was there…"

"What?"

"I… err… I just mean… did you phone for anything specific… you know… now… after… after so long?"

"I'm sorry," John Paul said gently, "I should have called sooner… I wanted to but every time I tried… I… I just didn't know what I wanted to say… I still don't…"

"I miss you." Craig's voice was filled with the longing that six weeks apart from the man he loved had born and the sound tore at John Paul's heart.

"I miss you too," John Paul replied honestly. There had scarcely been a moment since he left that John Paul hadn't thought about Craig, wondered how he was, missed him and wanted him.

"Come home…"

"I can't…"

"We could sort this out John Paul, I know we could…"

"Please Craig don't…"

"I can't stand being here without you… I can't stand my life without you… you're the only thing that matters…"

John Paul roughly brushed away the tears that had begun to fall over his cheeks. "You're gonna be a father… that has to matter now…"

"Not as much as you do…"

"Don't say that Craig… don't ever say that… you've got to…" John Paul took a deep breath. "Promise me something…"

"What?"

"Promise me you'll be a good father… you'll be the kind of father we never had… don't let your son grow up not knowing who you are… promise me Craig… promise me that you'll love him the way he deserves…"

"But John Paul…"

"Promise me… something good has to come out of this otherwise…" John Paul couldn't finish, tears were rolling heavily over his cheeks and he had lost the will to stop them.

Curling up in his armchair Craig rocked slowly back and forwards, the telephone receiver pressed tightly to his ear as he silently wept.

John Paul hadn't been able to finish his sentence but he didn't need to, Craig already knew what his husband wanted to say. He had to be the best father he could for his unborn child, otherwise the pain he had caused would all have been for nothing.

"I promise," Craig whispered.

"Craig?"

"Yeah?"

"We were good weren't we… for a while we were really good…"

"We were the best…"

"I'll never be sorry for loving you…"

"John Paul I…"

"Goodbye Craig…"

"John Paul…" Craig's voice echoed back at him as the line went dead. John Paul had hung up, his action marking the end that neither of them wanted.

"I love you," Craig sobbed into the silent phone knowing that his words would never be heard.

John Paul stared at his phone, his final connection to the man he loved now broken, and his vision blurred as more tears fell.

"I love you," John Paul cried gently but there was no one to hear him.


	5. Chapter 5

John Paul cursed under his breath as the wallet he was trying to slip into his trouser pocket tumbled from his grasp and fell to the floor. With a sigh he bent over to retrieve it, scooping up a scattering of credit cards that had escaped before stopping, his fingertips poised over his dropped belongings.

Peering out from behind two of the plastic cards was the corner of a glossy picture. A small photograph that had been housed inside John Paul's wallet for months, no longer looked at but never removed.

He was always aware of its presence but could never quite bring himself to lay his eyes on it again. And now, through his own clumsiness it was revealed once more.

Without conscious thought John Paul caught hold of the edge of the photograph and retrieved it from behind the credit cards.

Straightening himself John Paul looked closely at the happy faces that were forever sealed within the photographic paper. A moment in time captured for eternity, a reflection of a time gone past that would never be again.

Smiling sadly John Paul took a long wistful look at his wedding photo before crumpling it up in his hand and letting it fall discarded to the floor.

Days gone past that could never be recaptured.

Craig's child was due imminently and John Paul knew that, at the moment of that baby's birth, his marriage was well and truly over.

--

Craig cursed under his breath as he repeatedly slammed the delete button on his computer keyboard. If he made just one more mistake that day his computer was in serious danger of being sent flying through the window.

No matter what he tried to do somehow "the computer" kept on getting it wrong, changing his words until they made no sense on the screen.

Craig sighed and covered his face with his hands. The truth was he had been unable to concentrate for days. Every time the phone rang he would jump as he waited nervously the news that would change his life forever.

Craig had resigned himself to a life of offering support to a woman he barely knew, had no interest in getting to know and that he knew he would never love. But at the same time he couldn't deny the growing feelings of anticipation and excitement, as the birth of his son got ever closer.

He knew that there weren't many things in his life that he'd managed to get right but he was determined that being a father was the one thing he wouldn't fail at.

Craig started, sitting bolt upright in his seat as his mobile began to ring.

Even before he answered it Craig knew that it was the call he had been waiting for.

--

The glass was cool beneath Craig's palm as he leant against the window, his eyes staring unblinkingly at the small figure on the other side of the pane.

Such a tiny thing. So completely helpless and vulnerable that it made Craig's heart break.

Craig Dean had believed that he would only ever fall truly and deeply in love once. But that changed the second he laid eyes on the newborn baby sleeping peacefully in an incubator.

Craig hadn't slept for over 24 hours yet, standing at the window watching his child sleep as the incubator monitored its progress, he felt no fatigue. He felt as if he could stand there forever and never grow weary of the view.

Craig marvelled at how someone could enter his life and change it in an instant. Only one person had ever done such a thing before.

"He's gorgeous."

He had been so caught up in the wonder of his son that Craig hadn't heard anyone approaching from behind and the sudden voice startled him, but not nearly as much as the sight that befell him as he turned.

Two deep azure eyes were staring at him with a gentle smile and Craig felt himself weaken under their gaze. It had been two months since he had last laid eyes on that beautiful face.

"John Paul?" He breathed, almost afraid to believe that the man was standing beside him. "How… why…"

"Jake called me…" John Paul explained quietly, his gaze flickering back to the baby, Craig's baby. He felt like he should hate it, or blame it somehow for taking his husband from him. But how could he hate something so innocent? How could he hate something that was a part of Craig? "I'm sorry about Ciara…"

Craig smiled, a sad smile that cast a sorrowful shadow over the brightness of his eyes as he looked at his son. Less than two days old and the child was already without a mother.

In the final weeks before the child's birth Craig had done his best to form some kind of relationship with the young woman but he knew that the only thing they would ever have in common was the baby growing inside her. There was no way there would ever be anything more between them and they had both settled into the idea that, although they would share the parenting of their son, that was all they would ever share.

Ciara's pregnancy had been easy, trouble free and without incident. Right up until the moment when she went into labour. Yet somehow, seemingly within minutes everything had changed.

All that Craig could recall clearly was the worry on the midwife's face as she ushered him out of the room with talk of "complications" and an emergency c-section. And then it was over. He had a son. And that son had lost his mother.

"Is that why you came? Because of…" Craig gestured vaguely.

"When Jake told me what happened I… I had to come… I don't know… I just had to…"

"I'm glad…" Craig smiled again, a brighter smile that glowed in his eyes as he took in the face of the man he could never stopped loving but never dared hope he would see again. "You… you look good…"

Good was an understatement on how John Paul looked to Craig's eyes, eyes that had been starved of the sight of him for too long. The blonde man looked thinner, more gaunt, but he still held a beauty that had always defied description. Without realising what he was doing Craig took a gentle hold of John Paul's hand, raising it to his lips where he kissed it gently.

"Don't," John Paul objected, pulling his hand back quickly from the pleasure of Craig's touch.

"You don't wear your ring…" Craig observed sadly as he subconsciously toyed with his own wedding band, the last symbol of his marriage that he had been unable to give up.

"I… I couldn't… wearing it was too hard," John Paul said sadly before reaching inside his shirt and pulling out a gold chain that was laced around his neck. Craig smiled as he saw John Paul's wedding ring suspended from the chain as it was temporarily removed from its home against John Paul's heart. "But not wearing it was even harder," John Paul finished with a shrug.

"John Paul I'm… I'm so sorry… for all of it… for…"

"Don't… not today yeah?" John Paul watched as the baby's eyes flickered open and seemed to fix on him for a moment before drifting closed once more. "D'you have a name for him?"

"Ciara wanted Daniel… but I don't know…"

"Daniel Dean? I like it…"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Craig looked closely at his newborn son and nodded.

"Daniel," he said quietly. Somehow it seemed to fit.

The two men stood in silence for some time simply watching as Daniel slept, their fingers only inches apart and neither of them feeling able to bridge that gap no matter how much they both wanted to.

"I should be going," John Paul said after a while.

"Oh… do you… where are you…" Craig turned from his son to look at his husband. The two people he loved most in the world were with him and Craig's heart ached for both of them. "Where are you staying?"

"I got a room at a B&B…"

"Right," Craig hesitated, there was so much he wanted to say and he didn't know where to begin. "Are you… are you staying for long?"

John Paul smiled. A soft, gentle but supportive smile that Craig had taken comfort from so many times in his life. A smile that said "for as long as you need me."

"I'll call you tomorrow," John Paul said as he turned and walked slowly away.

--

John Paul didn't know how long he'd been standing in the corridor. It could have been hours, but it was more likely to have only been minutes.

The soft subdued bustle of the hospital carried on around him. The sounds of hushed voices, the beeping of machines and the occasional shrill cry of a newborn baby only touched at the periphery of John Paul's senses, as his attention was entirely focused on the sight before him.

Craig Dean was sat on an uncomfortable looking wooden chair in the nursery, his small child cradled gently in his strong arms as he held a bottle to the baby's lips.

Daniel suckled at the bottle enthusiastically as he lay safe in his father's arms. His eyes were tightly closed and his long dark lashes feathered out on his plump cheeks in a way that reminded John Paul of the times he had marvelled at Craig's lashes as he watched the man sleep.

John Paul held his hand against his chest in an unconscious act as he watched the bonding of father and son. His heart ached at such a beautiful sight and his eyes prickled with the threat of tears.

In that one image John Paul saw the man he loved and so much more. He could see Craig's strength and his gentleness combined in his love for the tiny person in his arms and John Paul knew that nothing could ever rival that love, and nor should it.

Craig watched his son feed with wonder. He could hardly contain the feelings that this new person brought to him and he knew, without hesitation or doubt that he would willingly lay down his life in protection of Daniel and there was only one other person in the world that he was certain he could make that same promise to.

Almost as if he heard someone calling his name Craig looked up, a warm smile curling at his mouth as he saw John Paul watching him from the corridor. Realising that he had been seen John Paul returned his husbands smile and slowly approached.

"Suits you," John Paul said as he neared.

"Sorry?"

"Holding a baby… it suits you!"

Craig laughed and his cheeks flushed as he looked down as his son. "Who would have thought it eh?"

With his milk bottle now empty the youngest member of the Dean family yawned gently and began to doze in the comfort of his father's arms.

"He is beautiful," John Paul said quietly as he touched one fingertip gently to the baby's soft cheek. "You should be proud…"

"I am," Craig admitted, "But I…" Craig looked up at the blond man before him and a melancholy took the shine from his eyes, "I am sorry… for everything… for what I did… for…"

"Shh." John Paul crouched down before father and child and ran his hand gently over the sleeping baby's cheek once more. "He was worth it…"

"What?" Craig asked in surprise.

"Look at him Craig," John Paul replied kindly, "Tell me that you can regret this… tell me that there's anything in this world now that could make you give him up, cause I know there isn't. I can see it, every time you look at him… and I'm glad, I really am… Just look at him and tell me honestly that you would change it…"

Craig Dean looked at his sleeping son and didn't answer. He couldn't answer. A few months earlier he had offered to abandon that very same child in order to save his marriage but now that his son was in his arms he knew there was no way he could ever give him up, just as he knew there was no way John Paul would ask him to.

Turning his attention back to his husband Craig sighed sadly. As much as he loved his son Craig knew that his love for John Paul would never fade, that he would never want it to fade, and he wondered, as he had done countless times before, if the man who owned his heart would ever come home.

"I just wish things were different," Craig breathed.

"Me too…"

"Where do we go from here?"

"I don't know…"

"I love you John Paul… both of you…"

John Paul watched the sleeping baby in Craig's arms. The boy's chest rose and fell with each new breath and his hand curled softly around John Paul's little finger.

"I thought I would hate him you know," John Paul confessed.

"Hate him? How could you…"

"I thought I would blame him for taking you away… that I would look at him and only be able to see how betrayed I felt when I found out… I thought I wanted to hate him."

"And now?"

With his finger still held in the baby's grasp John Paul looked into Craig's eyes. Their gaze locking and burning into each other for the first time since John Paul walked out.

"He's a part of you," John Paul replied simply. "How do I hate that? He's perfect… and innocent… he's your son and he's beautiful…"

A single tear trickled over Craig's cheek causing John Paul to reach out a hand and gently brush it away. Closing his eyes Craig rested his face against the warmth of John Paul's touch, a warmth which bathed the whole of his body as John Paul's hand slid to the back of Craig's neck and John Paul's lips touched Craig's hesitantly but earnestly.

The kiss was soft and nervous, filled with promise and hope, with fear and trepidation, neither of them really sure if it was a renewal or a farewell.

As the kiss ended John Paul rested his forehead against Craig's and sighed.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"What for?"

"For giving up on us… for walking out the second things went wrong… for not fighting for you…"

"It doesn't matter now…"

"It does… if I'd… I don't know, if I'd stayed… if we'd talked then maybe…"

"I still love you John Paul…"

"I love you too…"

"Come home…"

"What? I…?"

"Please John Paul… I need you… WE need you…"

"I don't know I…" Pulling back John Paul looked at the two people before him. The newborn baby who held his finger and the man who held his heart. "I don't know if I can…"

"At least say you'll think about it…"

"Craig I… what if we mess up… what if it doesn't work?"

"What if it does…"

"But it's not that simple anymore… it's not just about us now… what about Daniel? If things turn out bad… he doesn't deserve to be a part of that…"

"What he deserves is to be loved," Craig said as he looked firstly at his son and then at his husband. "Can you do that John Paul?"

"I…" John Paul looked at the child. The perfect figure was nestled in Craig's arms and sleeping contentedly. A child that should be a symbol of Craig's betrayal, a reminder of the hurt and distress John Paul had felt when he first learned of him. And yet the baby was none of those things. He was just a child who, although he might not have been created with love, could still be raised with it. "I think I already do…"

--

"So what's it like?" Craig asked.

"What?"

"Being back in Chester?"

John Paul let out a half laugh, half snort as he observed his reflection on the murky surface of his drink.

The hospital canteen had been quiet when the two men had entered a few minutes earlier and only a scattering of the other tables were now occupied as visitors sought sustenance or respite inside its white titled soulless walls.

Craig had been reluctant to place his son back in the impersonal comfort of the crib and leave the nursery and had hesitated for some time in the doorway, watching as the baby returned to his restful slumber, before finally tearing himself away.

"It's… odd," John Paul replied with a shrug.

Craig swirled the end of a plastic stirrer in his coffee as he considered John Paul's reply, he had lost the taste for tea a few months earlier, and he watched as the reflection of his eyes on the dark brown liquid blurred out of sight.

"Odd how?"

Sipping at his tea John Paul grimaced, it tasted as bad as it looked but drinking it gave him a moment to think.

From the second he had set foot back in Chester it hadn't felt right. The streets that were once so familiar to him had become like alien ground beneath his feet. Locations that he had known since childhood suddenly looked new and different. It wasn't the city he had once known and he wasn't the boy who once lived there.

Lifting his gaze to meet Craig's John Paul shrugged again. He knew the answer but was afraid to say it, afraid of the implications that the words would bring.

"Has The Loft changed much?" Craig asked, sensing his husband's reticence and changing the subject.

"Total refit," John Paul informed him, "You wouldn't recognise the place… it's nothing like when we…" John Paul's words trailed off and he hid himself behind his steaming mug once more.

"Feels like a lifetime ago doesn't it?" Craig asked with a small laugh.

"It was… we were just kids back then…" John Paul smiled as he remembered a time when life had been so different, when Craig had just been his friend, when he had first fallen in love. "You kissed me for the first time in The Loft you know."

"No I didn't…" Craig's brow furrowed at John Paul's strange claim.

"You did," John Paul insisted, "I can still remember it like it was yesterday…"

"Well you must be remembering someone else," Craig teased, "Cause that wasn't me…"

John Paul's smile widened as he gazed into the depths of Craig's rich chocolate eyes, the face of the boy still shining out behind the image of the man.

"I'm not surprised you don't remember," John Paul laughed, "You were so drunk… and you kept going on about what good mates we were… more like brothers… and then you kissed me… on the forehead… just once…"

"I really don't remember," Craig admitted, "What did you do?"

"Nothing… what could I do? I just sat there and tried to pretend that you weren't breaking my heart…"

"John Paul…" A sadness echoed in Craig's voice as he saw the memory of an old hurt reflecting in the bright blue of his husband's eyes. "You never said anything… I never knew… I…"

"What could I say back then?" John Paul asked with a shrug, "It was like… that one kiss, it meant nothing to you, you were drunk… didn't know what you were doing… but to me…"

"What?"

"It reminded me of what I could never have… what I thought I could never have… all I wanted to do that night was tell you how much I loved you… but I just couldn't…"

Reaching across the table Craig took a gentle hold of John Paul's hand and laced their fingers together.

They sat in silence for a while, lost in their thoughts and memories, in their hopes and regrets, both drawing an unexpected strength from such a simple physical contact.

"It's not home," John Paul said quietly after a while.

"Sorry?"

"Chester… it feels odd because it's not home any more… I thought… I thought that when I went I needed to go home… I didn't realise till I got back to Chester that home was where I'd just left…"

"So come back," Craig urged as he tightened his grip around John Paul's fingers. "Come home…"

"I'm scared…"

"Me too… but I'm more scared of being without you… of never trying… never knowing…"

John Paul didn't reply for a while. His fingers curled tightly around Craig's, enjoying the warmth of the other man's touch, sinking into the depths of his rich brown eyes and letting himself feel the love that he had been trying to lock away.

"Have you sorted out Daniel's room yet?" John Paul asked suddenly.

"Erm… what… no," Craig stuttered at the unexpected question. "I mean he was never meant to be coming back with me was he… I bought the cot and stuff but it's all at Ciara's flat… I suppose I need that now…" Craig's brow furrowed as he realised that he hadn't been considering the practicalities of taking his son home yet.

"It's probably better you have the cot in your room… at least for the time being…" John Paul suggested.

"You think?"

"Yeah," John Paul nodded and smiled warmly. "I'll take the spare room…"

"You'll come home?" Craig's eye shone with unashamed delight at the news and he gripped John Paul's hand tighter.

"Just to the spare room though yeah?" John Paul said calmly, the brightness of his own eyes betraying his true joy at the thought of returning back to the home he had made with Craig. "We can't rush this… let's just see how it goes…"

"Yeah, yeah… whatever you want…" Craig enthused. "I mean really… whatever… you won't regret this John Paul… I know you won't… you'll see… it'll be perfect, just perfect…"

John Paul let out a gentle laugh at his husbands obvious excitement but a small voice inside him still whispered words of caution. Despite how much he wanted to go home, to start afresh and forget everything that had happened, the pain of Craig's betrayal was still very real and John Paul didn't know if he would ever be able to let it go completely.

A brief look of sadness passed through Craig's eyes as he saw the doubt on John Paul's face.

"It'll work John Paul," Craig whispered softly. "I promise, I'll never let you down again."

--

John Paul stood in silent observation.

The room was shrouded in darkness but for a small chink of light that snuck through a gap in the heavy curtains. A golden beam of moonlight teased over Craig's slumberous face, glistening on the long lashes that rested against his cheeks.

Craig was smiling to himself in his sleep and John Paul couldn't help but mirror the smile as he watched his husband.

For the past three nights John Paul had tiptoed into the bedroom he once shared with the dark haired man, standing in the shadows for a few moments before returning to the room that was still a little too removed from the place he wanted to be.

Daniel whimpered softly, his fists reaching into the air as he stretched and threatened to cry.

"Shh," John Paul whispered as he walked over to the crib and looked down on the baby. "Hush now… you don't want to wake your daddy."

Daniel's eyes flickered open and his whimpers grew louder causing Craig to stir in his sleep.

"Come on now," John Paul said quietly as he reached down and scooped the grumbling baby up in his arms. "Why don't we get you some milk and let daddy sleep eh?"

Daniel murmured against John Paul's chest as the blonde man held him close, rocking him gently as they left the room.

Whispering soothing sounds as he walked John Paul carried Daniel into the kitchen and, with surprising ease and skill, fixed a bottle of baby milk while still holding the child against his chest with one arm.

"Here we go," John Paul said once the bottle was prepared and he settled onto the sofa with Daniel in his arms.

The baby accepted the bottle greedily, suckling with contentment under John Paul's unwavering stare.

"Why did you have to be born this way eh?" John Paul asked the baby sadly but Daniel's only response was to gurgle around the teat in his mouth before resuming his enthusiastic drinking.

John Paul sighed, as much as he had already grown to adore the baby in his arms he couldn't help but wonder if he would ever be able to look at Daniel and not be reminded, at least for a second, of the betrayal that led to his existence.

Once the bottle was empty John Paul placed it on the table before lifting Daniel to his shoulder and rubbing his back gently until a small belch echoed around the silent room.

"That's better isn't it?" John Paul asked as he sat Daniel on his knee, the child looked back as if he understood every word and John Paul marvelled at how much he was already looking like his father.

"I love your daddy very much you know," John Paul informed the contented baby, "He's the most amazing man I've ever known… my whole life changed he day I met him… You're very lucky to have him… we both are."

Daniel's eyes grew heavy as John Paul spoke and the blonde man lay back against the sofa, bringing the baby to his chest where he snuggled up warmly. "He's all I've ever wanted in my life for as long as I can remember," John Paul continued, "I know he's done some stupid things…" John Paul brushed Daniel's cheek gently as he spoke. "But if he hadn't then we wouldn't have you… that's worth it isn't it?" Lowering his face John Paul kissed the top of Daniel's head. "I love your daddy very much," John Paul repeated, "And we both love you Daniel… you never have to worry about that… me and your daddy will always be here to look after you… I promise…"

With a laugh John Paul realised that Daniel was now asleep. "Am I boring you?" John Paul asked with a small yawn. "Still it is late… we should get you back to bed… and me too…"

--

Craig was pulled from his rest by the shrill tone of his alarm clock and he silenced it quickly in a vain hope that the sound hadn't woken the baby. Holding his breath for a second Craig was surprised not to be greeted by Daniel's cries. Rubbing his eyes Craig tried to recall if he had been woken in the night to tend to the child, the past few days and nights had blurred together but his feeling of restfulness suggested that he had been granted an unbroken nights sleep.

"So what's going on then?" Craig asked as he pulled himself from his bed and padded barefoot over to Daniel's crib, stopping suddenly when he saw that the baby wasn't there.

Still rubbing the sleep from his eyes Craig wandered slowly towards the living room to be greeted by a sight that stopped him in his tracks and took his breath away.

Lying sprawled on the sofa was John Paul, clothed only in a plain white tee shirt and soft cotton boxers, the paleness of the man's softly muscled arms and thighs was perfectly accentuated against the dark of the sofa's covering and Craig had an urge to stroke his palms softly over those firm taught thighs.

As quickly as the thought entered Craig's mind it was pushed aside as his gaze moved to rest on the small figure of his son, curled contentedly against John Paul's broad chest, the man's tee shirt gathered in a tiny fist as man and child slept peacefully.

Craig raised a hand to his mouth to stifle a small cry as his eyes filled with tears at the image. He had never witnessed anything more beautiful in his life than the two people he loved most lying together in that way and, for the first time, the lingering doubt that all of this might still be too much for John Paul seemed a very distant worry indeed.

Walking silently to the sofa Craig leaned over and smiled at the sleeping faces of his husband and child. A strand of hair had fallen across John Paul's eyes and Craig reached out a hand to gently brush it away.

The small contact seemed to rouse John Paul and his eyes opened slowly as he regained consciousness.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," Craig whispered apologetically.

Instinctively wrapping his arms around the baby on his chest John Paul pulled himself upright before apparently realising that Daniel was still with him. As he moved Craig caught sight of a glint of gold on John Paul's finger, he hadn't even noticed when the blonde man had put his wedding band back on, but seeing that he had gave Craig such hope for the future.

"I meant to put him back to bed," John Paul explained with a sheepish grin, "Guess I fell asleep… I hope you weren't worried when you woke up and he wasn't there…"

Craig shook his head. "I knew he was safe if he was with you."

The two men smiled at each other for a moment before John Paul's nose wrinkled.

"But judging by the way he smells I think Daniel needs his daddy now!"

Craig laughed as John Paul handed the soiled baby to him. "Charming!" he laughed.

"Tell you what," John Paul offered, "You get him cleaned and fed and I'll cook us breakfast."

"What? So I get a dirty nappy and you get bacon and eggs?"

"Ah it's a hard life!"

--

Once Daniel was changed, fed and placed back into his crib the two men settled down at the small kitchen table to eat the breakfast John Paul had prepared.

Craig grinned around a mouthful of bacon as he looked at his husband.

"What?" John Paul asked.

"Nothing…"

"You're smiling…"

"Am I not allowed to?"

"Not without telling me why!"

"I was just…" putting down his knife and fork Craig tilted his head for a moment and looked into the endless blue of his husband's eyes before speaking again. "I was just thinking how lucky I am… to have you… both of you…"

Also lowering his cutlery John Paul clasped his hands together, resting his chin against them as he looked at Craig.

"Craig what you did… it… it really hurt me…"

"I know…"

"And if you ever…"

"I wouldn't…"

"I couldn't get over it a second time Craig… I just couldn't… knowing that you wanted someone else, that you needed someone else, that I wasn't enough for you…"

"It wasn't like that… god John Paul it was never that… I was stupid, so damn stupid, but it was never that you weren't enough… you're all I've ever wanted since, well since before I was willing to admit it… and I'll spend the rest of my life proving it to you if you let me…"

John Paul smiled and absentmindedly twisted his wedding ring around on his finger.

"I do love him you know… Daniel…"

"I know…"

"It surprises me just how much if I'm honest… I hate how we got him, but I'm glad we do, and I wouldn't change that, not now."

Craig smile grew broader.

"What now?" John Paul asked with a laugh.

"You said we…"

"What?"

"You said we've got him… like he's ours…"

"I guess I did," John Paul said with a surprised smile, "I suppose that's how it feels… doesn't it?"

"Yeah… yeah it does…"

"What's he gonna call me?"

"How d'you mean?"

"Well you're his daddy… but what I am…"

"Oh," Craig frowned for a moment, "I really hadn't thought… what d'you want him to call you?"

"I don't know," John Paul admitted, "Only, I think it's right he knows who his father is, I don't want him to be confused about that." After a paused John Paul spoke again. "What are you gonna tell him about Ciara?"

"I dunno, the truth?"

"What? That she was a one night stand that you regretted?"

"Maybe not THAT truth," Craig agreed, "I was thinking more like that she loved him and wanted nothing more than to see him grow up…"

John Paul felt a wash of guilt. For the first time he realised exactly how much he had benefited from the loss of Daniel's mother and he had never considered the impact of the young woman's death on the boy.

"If she hadn't died…" John Paul began.

"Don't think about it…"

"But if she hadn't…"

"John Paul neither of us are to blame for what happened to Ciara… no one is… there is nothing we could have done about it… but what we can do is make sure Daniel is healthy and happy and loved… yeah?"

John Paul smiled and nodded, before reaching out and taking hold of Craig's hands.

"You know we should get Daniel's room decorated."

"You think?"

"He's gonna need it sooner or later," John Paul reasoned.

"I guess… but you can't sleep in there if it's filled with paint fumes…"

"I could sleep on the sofa… it's surprisingly comfy…"

Craig smiled his understanding.

Both men had a feeling that John Paul probably wouldn't be needing the sofa.


	6. Chapter 6

John Paul sighed as he wiped the sweat from his forehead. He still wasn't sure about the pale blue paint that Craig had picked out but, as they had already completed two walls, it was starting to feel a bit too late to suggest a change.

It had been three weeks since the idea of decorating the room in preparation for Daniel to move into it had been suggested and John Paul had been surprised a couple of days earlier when Craig had arrived home armed with tins of paint, paint brushes and dust sheets and announced that he was ready to begin.

With Daniel packed away at the childminders for the day the two men had quickly moved all of the furniture into the centre of the room, making it virtually impossible for the bed to be occupied again until the decorating was completed. A fact which both men were aware of but neither chose to comment on.

"Oi," Craig said as he looked up from his crouched position near the skirting boards to see that John Paul was no longer painting, "Stop slacking!"

"I need a breather," John Paul complained as he peeled his damp grimy tee shirt away from his chest grimacing at the way it felt. "You're a slave driver."

"It was YOU that suggested we did this…"

"I know," John Paul grumbled, the sparkle in his eyes betraying his true feelings, "But it's too hot… I need a break…"

"You should try wearing this," Craig said pointing at his dark blue boiler suit as he rose to his feet, "It's like an oven in this thing…"

"You were the one who wanted to keep his precious clothes all clean," John Paul teased, "You could just as easily have worn an old tee shirt too…"

"I look more professional," Craig said with a pout.

"Shame your paintwork isn't," John Paul laughed, "You've missed a bit…"

"Where?" Craig asked turning to look closely at the section of wall he had been painting for the last half hour.

"Just there," John Paul said with a laugh as he swept his brush over the front of Craig's boiler suit leaving behind a pale blue stripe.

"Oh you didn't just do that!" Craig gasped in mock horror.

"What you gonna do about it?"

With a flourish of his brush John Paul's tee shirt was quickly adorned with a matching pale blue stripe.

"You DO know you've just ruined this tee shirt," John Paul accused, "You're gonna have to buy me a new one!"

"Yeah as if… it's already falling apart…"

"It's fine… well it was…"

"It's a rag!"

"Well it is now!" Gripping the bottom of his paint covered tee shirt John Paul quickly pulled it over his head, coating it with more paint from the brush he still held in his hand as he slipped it off his arms and dropped it to the floor. The sudden cool air on John Paul's damp skin made him shiver.

The sudden sight of John Paul's bare torso made Craig swallow. Hard.

It wasn't that Craig hadn't seen John Paul's naked chest since he came home. There had been countless times they had passed to and from the bathroom in various states of undress, and it wasn't unusual for John Paul to arrive at the breakfast table in nothing but pyjama bottoms. But suddenly Craig felt the temperature in the room rise by several degrees and, realising that he had been staring for far too long, Craig decided to do something, anything, to break the sudden tension.

Without taking time to think Craig slapped his hand against the freshly painted wall before smearing the oily blue emulsion over John Paul's skin.

John Paul laughed open mouthed as he looked down at the elongated palm print that decorated his chest.

"Oh you're gonna pay for that," he said with a giggle.

"You think?"

"I know."

Grabbing hold of Craig's boiler suit John Paul pulled open the press-studs at its front to expose Craig's toned olive chest which, within seconds, was streaked blue.

Struggling to get the boiler suit from his arms Craig couldn't hold back his laughter.

"You know this is gonna get messy," he threatened as the empty arms of his suit fell to his sides, leaving his torso completely exposed.

"I was counting on it," John Paul replied with a deep throaty laugh that made Craig shuffle uncomfortably.

Swallowing again Craig hesitated. If he was misjudging the situation he knew that he could seriously jeopardise the relationship that he has been slowly rebuilding with his husband, but he recognised that dark look in John Paul's bright blue eyes, he'd seen it before, he'd enjoyed it before and every inch of his body needed to enjoy it again.

John Paul smiled slowly as he let his eyes roam over Craig's bare chest. The soft smooth skin looked somehow tribal with its blue war paint and the way that Craig's boiler suit now hung low, barely clinging to his hips, taunted John Paul with promises of what was only just out of reach.

"John Paul," Craig breathed softly.

John Paul stepped forward until he could feel the heat of Craig's breath against his skin and he pressed his palm against Craig's painted chest. Stroking it in soft circles John Paul could feel the racing of Craig's heart and the hardening of his nipples as the blue paint was spread further over his skin.

"John Paul..?" Craig breathed again, afraid to stop things but afraid to let them continue.

"Shh," John Paul replied gently, lowering his mouth to Craig's neck and tasting the salty tangy of his hot skin with a single sweep of his tongue.

Craig groaned at the contact, his boiler suit, which was once quite baggy, suddenly feeling very restrictive around his groin.

"Oh god," Craig moaned as John Paul's teeth sank into his neck, making his toes curl and his body tremble.

With his hand still against Craig's chest John Paul pushed the man backwards until his movement was halted by a section of, thankfully still unpainted, wall.

John Paul smiled to himself at the increased volume of Craig's moans and whimpers as he bit harder against his husband's neck. He knew the dark haired man's body better than he knew his own and he knew exactly where to bite and where to touch, to provoke such erotic responses.

Pulling back from Craig's neck John Paul turned his gaze to the rich melted chocolate of his husband's eyes and basked in the overwhelming love and desire that he saw glowing in them.

"Fuck!" Craig gasped as the bright blue yearning of John Paul's stare made his flesh ache and throb with renewed need.

"That was kind of my plan!" John Paul replied with a wicked grin that caused Craig to lick his lips.

Leaning forward John Paul brushed a brief kiss over Craig's mouth, the heat of their breath mingling for a second.

"D'you know how long I've been wanting to kiss you?" John Paul said softly, his lips touching lightly against Craig's cheek, his nose and his eyelids. "How long I've been wanting to hold you… and taste you…" John Paul's mouth sought out Craig's earnestly, their lips pressing together hard and slowly parting to allow tongues the room to explore hot mouths and devour the long awaited taste of each other once again.

As their kiss deepened John Paul's hands brushed gently over Craig's sides and down towards his hips, catching on the edge of the man's boiler suit John Paul sent it tumbling to the ground with ease, allowing him access to the bare skin beneath as Craig had chosen that day to forego the need for underwear.

Craig groaned into John Paul's mouth as the man's hands wandered lower over his hips, reaching around to the softness of his buttocks and squeezing them firmly before travelling forward and stroking up the inside of Craig's thighs.

Pulling back from the kiss John Paul was flushed and breathless, his jeans felt unbearably tight and his heart was racing out of control. His eyes trailed over Craig's chest, still smeared blue with paint, and towards his groin. John Paul couldn't prevent the smile from taking control of his mouth as his gaze reached Craig's cock, already firm and standing to attention, its pink bulbous head glistening invitingly as it throbbed in time with Craig's heart beat.

"Do you know how often I've lay in this room thinking about you… picturing you naked beside me…" As he spoke John Paul brushed his hand over Craig's balls, cupping them for a second, before travelling his fingers over the length of Craig's hard cock. "Remembering how it feels to touch you…" John Paul's fingers wrapped slowly around Craig's throbbing erection making the man moan loudly and shudder with devastating pleasure at the touch. "Remembering how it feels to fuck you…" John Paul's hand stroked firmly up and down the length of Craig's cock, easing the foreskin forwards over its head and then peeling it back to expose its sensitive tip. "God I've been wanting to fuck you again so badly… to feel your body tight around my dick… oh fuck…"

John Paul lowered his face and closed his eyes as his body trembled, just remembering how it felt to be inside the man he loved was almost enough to push him over the edge and he took a deep breath as he fought to regain control.

"John Paul," Craig panted, reaching his hand to cup the man's beautiful face and turn it back towards him, "God I've missed you so much… I've missed this… us… I want you…"

"Tell me you love me," John Paul said, his eyes pleading with the need to hear the words again.

"I do, you know I do… with every last breath in my body… I love you John Paul McQueen… always…"

Craig's hands fell from John Paul's face, his nails clawing down the man's smooth chest before fumbling with the buttons of his jeans, desperate to push away the fabric that was keeping him from his goal.

"Oh god Craig… Craig…" John Paul's panting mouth fell against his husband's once more, their kiss hot and hungry as Craig eased John Paul's jeans and boxers over his hips, freeing his hard throbbing cock and gripping it tightly.

The room echoed with deep moans as the passion of the men's kiss intensified, their bodies trembling with desire as hands moved harder and faster over aching cocks, threatening to push one or both of them over the edge at any second.

With one hand still wrapped tightly around Craig's powerful erection John Paul stroked his other hand over the roundness of Craig's buttocks, easing his way slowly between to tease his fingertips against the tight puckered opening that was nestled there.

Craig groaned, his head pulling back from their kiss and his hand moving faster over John Paul's cock as John Paul's finger slowly penetrated him.

Spreading his legs wider apart Craig's moans urged John Paul to push deeper inside, the man's tight flesh opening up to an intrusion it had been without for too long, making him want more, making them both want more.

"Oh Christ John Paul," Craig moaned, "Fuck me… fuck me now… god I want you inside me right now…"

John Paul's answer was to step back slightly and, gripping Craig's shoulders, he turned his husband around quickly.

Holding his cock in one hand John Paul stroked it slowly up and down through the inviting groove between Craig's buttocks, passing over the entrance it so desperately wanted to possess, taunting them both with the pleasure they knew wouldn't be far away.

"Please John Paul…" Craig begged, resting his palms against the wall as he arched his back, urging his husband to enter him. "For fucks sake don't make me wait any longer…"

Directing the head of his cock against Craig's eager hole John Paul pushed forward, both men gasping as Craig's body resisted for a second and then opened to allow John Paul inside.

Craig's fingers clawed at the wall as the thickness of John Paul's cock began to fill him, pushing his body back he urged John Paul to go deeper into him.

With a tight grip on Craig's hips John Paul drove his cock fast into the man's hot passage. He wanted to go slow, to make the moment last, but his body had other ideas and his need to be completely inside Craig's body took over.

"Oh fuck Craig…" John Paul cried out as his cock ploughed deeply into his husband.

Kissing and sucking against Craig's neck John Paul froze for a moment, enjoying the feeling of the hot tight heat wrapping around the full length of his cock before slowly withdrawing to the tip and then slamming back inside, harder and faster with each new thrust. Sweat was soon beading on John Paul's brow and trickling down his bare back as he panted and groaned with lustful exertion.

Craig's body shuddered as each new thrust plunged John Paul's cock deeper inside him, hitting his perfect spot over and over again until he could hardly stand the pleasure.

Wrapping one hand around his cock Craig began to stroke himself in time with John Paul's thrusts, the need for release making his balls ache and his legs tremble until he was aware of nothing but the feeling of John Paul's cock inside him and the growing pressure of his climax charging towards him.

"Fuck me harder…" Craig demanded as John Paul's teeth sank into his neck, the man's breath hot against his skin. "Oh god I'm gonna… oh shit yes…"

Craig slammed his fist against the wall as his body convulsed, the first hit of his orgasm shaking him violently as if it was something his body had never felt before.

John Paul wrapped one arm tightly around Craig's middle as the older man succumbed to wave after wave of physical perfection, his body spasming and tightening around John Paul's throbbing cock until he could no longer hold back and he cried out as he came, thrusting himself as deeply into Craig as he could, filling the man with the heat of his love and desire.

As their orgasms passed the two men collapsed together against the wall, panting and satisfied as they fought to regain their breath and their senses.

"I love you John Paul McQueen," Craig said as his husband finally found the ability to move and stepped back to stuff his now deflated, but immensely satisfied, cock back inside his jeans.

John Paul smiled deeply as Craig turned to face him, the man's belly was spattered with the sticky evidence of his climax and his eyes were filled with unending love.

Brushing one thumb over Craig's cheek John Paul's expression grew serious.

"If you ever cheated on me again…"

"Never," Craig interrupted, "I swear… never…"

"I couldn't…"

"I wouldn't…"

"Promise me…"

"I'll never do anything to risk losing you again John Paul I promise… you… you and Daniel… you're my life… I can't be without you… I can't…"

John Paul's eyes shone the brightest blue as he kissed Craig's lips tenderly.

"I love you so much Craig Dean," he said with a smile. "But we'd better get this decorating finished… Daniel needs his bedroom…"

"And you?"

"I need to be back beside my husband!"

* * *

John Paul let his head rest lightly against Craig's shoulder and smiled contentedly to himself. The TV was showing some terrible action film that Craig had recorded the previous night but John Paul wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention to what was happening on the screen. He was simply enjoying the peace and comfort of spending time with his husband. They had been through so much to get to a point in their lives where things finally felt right, where they knew nothing could come between them and that their love and their marriage would last for an eternity.

A sudden unexpected crash from the kitchen made both men shoot upright in their seats, their heads snapping towards the other room and their voices shouting out the same word in unison.

"Daniel!"

A few seconds later a four-year-old boy padded into the living room. Dressed in blue striped pyjamas and slippers in the shape of fluffy puppies and with a small football clutched in his hands, his deep chocolate eyes were wide and round with innocence.

"It wasn't me!" Daniel said in a well-worn expression of denial.

"Daniel…" Craig repeated in a stern voice as he tried not to smile at his young son, his rich brown eyes, the exact same shade as the boys, glowed lovingly.

"I didn't!" Daniel insisted as he passed his football from hand to hand and shuffled his feet guiltily.

"I'll go and see what he broke," Craig said with a sigh as he got to his feet, his hand gently brushing over the young boy's head as he passed him by.

"Were you playing football in the house again?" John Paul asked once Craig had left the room.

"Daddy John Paul… I didn't…" Daniel repeated, his eyes widening as he spoke and his unfathomably long lashes fluttering with each word.

John Paul's heart melted at the sight of the boy, with every passing day he grew to look more and more like his father and, with every passing day, John Paul fell in love with them both all over again.

"Come here," John Paul said, patting the seat behind him.

Daniel climbed onto the sofa next to the blonde man and looked up with a smile.

"Tell me the truth Daniel… were you playing ball?"

"I didn't mean to…"

"What did we say about football?"

"Play it outside…" Daniel cast his eyes downwards in a look of guilt; large tears welling in his eyes, making the deep chocolate globes look even larger than normal.

Softly wrapping an arm around the shoulders of the boy he considered his son John Paul hugged Daniel closely to him.

"You know you have to be careful in the house Daniel," John Paul said kindly. "How would you like it if me and daddy played in your room and broke some of your things?"

Daniel giggled into John Paul's side, his small body shaking with amusement.

"Don't be silly," he said with a laugh. "Daddies don't play…"

"Oh no?" John Paul replied with a wide smile, "Do they not?"

Without warning John Paul grabbed hold of his son and began tickling the boy without mercy until the tears in Daniel's eyes rolled over his cheeks with uncontrollable fits of laughter.

"Stop it!" Daniel begged in between laughs, "Daddy John Paul stop…"

"It's not as bad as it sounded," Craig said as he re-entered the room, his face breaking into a wide smile as he watched his husband and son playing on the sofa. "Only one plate actually broke… so when you two have quite finished."

"I think daddy wants some tickles…" John Paul said to Daniel with a wink.

"Oh no you don't…" Craig replied slowly backing away.

"You can't deny it," John Paul teased as he leapt to his feet and grabbed his husband around the waist, pulling the man back down onto the sofa with him.

As Craig lay face down, virtually over John Paul's lap, Daniel climbed onto his father's back and soon the young boy and the blonde man were tickling Craig mercilessly as he writhed in fits of laughter gasping for breath and half heartedly trying to fight off his family.

"I give in, I give in," Craig cried out breathlessly, "You two win…"

"We always do," John Paul giggled as Daniel slid from Craig's back and the man sat upright, "You just can't resist us!"

"Never could," Craig admitted with a smile, brushing a soft kiss against his husband's lips before lifting his son onto his lap and covering the boy's face with sloppy kisses.

"Eww stop it," Daniel giggled, wiping his father's kisses from his cheeks only to have them instantly replaced by more.

A sudden yawn from the young boy reminded John Paul and Craig that their son had, in fact, been put to bed several hours ago and should by now be tucked up and fast asleep.

"Come on you," Craig said lifting his son up in his arms, "You should be in bed."

"But daddy…" Daniel complained around a second, much larger yawn.

"No buts," Craig replied in is best 'stern father' voice. "By rights you should be in big trouble, getting out of bed and playing ball in the house!"

"I didn't mean to," Daniel said sleepily, nestling his face against Craig's chest as the man carried him to his bedroom.

Getting to his feet John Paul smiled as he followed Craig to Daniel's room. He knew they should be stricter with the boy but somehow that small child had both men completely bewitched and neither had the ability to stay angry with him for more than a few moments. But in reality Daniel was never really badly behaved and both men were immensely proud of him.

"Sweet dreams sweetheart," Craig said lovingly as he laid Daniel back into his bed, taking off the boy's slippers and pulling his duvet up to his chin.

"Night daddy," Daniel mumbled in his half asleep state.

"Night, night Daniel," John Paul said quietly as he leant over and kissed the boy's cheek gently.

"Night daddy John Paul," Daniel breathed as the last of his consciousness fled and he was once again wrapped in the comfort of his sleep.

The two men stood in silence for a few moments as they watch the young child sleep. His long dark lashes feathered out over his soft round cheeks and a smile played over his lips as he dreamed of some pleasant amusement.

"Frankie would have been so proud of him you know," John Paul said suddenly, lacing his fingers between his husband's and squeezing tightly.

"She would have spoilt him," Craig replied with a giggle.

"True…"

"Just like Myra does!"

"How can anyone not… he's gorgeous!"

"Takes after his daddy!"

John Paul smiled widely as he led the way from Daniel's room, casting a last glance at the child before turning off the light and closing the door.

"He really does," John Paul agreed as he turned to his husband and cupped the man's face in his hands, "Must be why I love him so much…"

The two men looked at each other in a silence that their eyes filled with words of love neither needed to utter.

John Paul still woke up some mornings and would turn to look at his husband in amazement, so many things over the years seemed to conspire against them but somehow they had overcome everything thrown in their path and were stronger than they had ever been.

Craig would sometimes fight off sleep just so that he could watch John Paul's gentle slumber and as he watched he would thank all the gods in the heavens that allowed such a wonderful man into his life and, even more amazingly, made him want to stay.

"Marry me." John Paul's eyes sparkled the brightest blue as he spoke.

Craig laughed; raising his hand between them he wiggled the finger that held his wedding band. "Already did… or had you forgotten that?"

"I know but… I don't know Craig, it's just… we've been through so much… come so far… let's do it again… renew our vows or something… I want to tell the world just how much I love you, you and Daniel…"

Craig pressed his lips softly to John Paul's mouth, a tender kiss that radiated such warmth between them.

"I would gladly marry you every day for the rest of my life," he breathed as his arms slipped around John Paul's waist and he pulled the man close to him.

* * *

"When I was eighteen years old I met someone who would change my life forever." Craig cast a glance around the room as he spoke, it was filled with family and friends, much as it had been a few years earlier but also with the addition of a young boy who sat on a chair in the front row swinging his legs.

Reaching for John Paul's hand Craig held it tightly, a slight tremble betraying his nerves, he was never very good at public speaking but sometimes things had to be said and people had to be there to witness it.

"When I found a best friend in that blonde haired blue-eyed boy I had no idea what else I would find… I didn't know I was going to find out what love was really about, I've treated you badly in the past John Paul…"

"Craig… no," John Paul objected quietly.

"I have," Craig reiterated, "You know I have… they know…" Craig indicated the gathering behind them. "But whatever I've said… whatever I've done… from the moment I first kissed you, first told you how I felt, I've never stopped loving you… You really did change my life John Paul McQueen and I want to spend the rest of my days thanking you for that… Without you…" Craig shook his head. "There is no without you… I love you, always have, always will… always…"

John Paul smiled; unshed tears glistening in his eyes as he gripped Craig's hand tighter.

"Craig Dean," John Paul said quietly, almost reverently. "Loving you is the most terrifying thing I have ever done in my life… At first I was terrified of my feelings, that you wouldn't return them or that you would… falling in love with you was like jumping off the highest mountain and just preying that there would be a soft landing… looking at you makes my heart race faster than anything in this world… I know I've let you down in the past, I've given up when I should have held on… but we're still here, together…" John Paul turned his face and smiled at Daniel. "A family… and nothing is ever gonna come between us again… I love you… always…"

* * *

"I hope you're not expecting another present!"

John Paul and Craig turned, their faces a perfect mirror of their shared joy as they smiled at the woman approaching them.

"As if anything could ever top that last wedding present you gave us!" John Paul said with a laugh as he kissed Linda warmly on the lips.

"Although we do have to keep that hidden away these days," Craig said with a regretful laugh, pressing his own kiss to Linda's mouth.

"So how's it going?" John Paul asked, his hand gently skimming over the visible swelling in Linda's belly.

Linda smiled widely as she stroked her growing bump. "Really well," she replied happily, "I think we might actually make it this time."

"I'm so pleased for you Lin," Craig said, his smile holding a hint of sadness at his friend's past pain. Almost from the day they first married Linda and Patrick had been trying for a baby but, after four miscarriages, their dream of having a family seemed to be fading and, when Linda fell pregnant for a fifth time, she had prepared herself for the worst. And now, almost seven months into the pregnancy Linda and her unborn child had defeated the odds and were both strong and healthy.

"And you're doing OK?" John Paul asked with gentle concern.

"I'm great… once the morning sickness passed it's not been too bad… ahh who am I kidding… I'm loving it…"

"You know you didn't have to travel over if it was too much… we would have understood…"

"What… and miss your second wedding… as if!"

"Really Lin we wouldn't have minded," Craig said with a reassuring smile.

"I wanted to come," Linda replied firmly, "And nothing was gonna keep me away…"

"Auntie Linda look what I've got!" Daniel raced towards the blonde woman excitedly and it was only Craig's fast reactions in reaching for the boy that prevented him from colliding into her.

"Careful Daniel," Craig reprimanded.

"Sorry," Daniel said with a flash of his big brown eyes, "But I wanted to show this to Auntie Linda…"

Daniel's face was a huge smile as he held up a shiny red fire engine for Linda's inspection.

"Wow look at that," Linda said enthusiastically as she crouched down to the boy's level, "Is that new?"

"Yeah… daddy and daddy John Paul said I could have a new toy cause they were having a big party… so I got this… I'm gonna be a fireman when I grow up!"

"Are you?" Linda laughed warmly at the child's enthusiastic insistence.

"Yeah… I'm gonna go to peoples houses when they're on fire and save all their things and then they'll give me tea and biscuits…" Daniel's brow furrowed in thought for a moment. "But I don't like tea so I'll just eat the biscuits…"

"That's a good plan," Linda said stroking the boy's hair gently before rising uncomfortably to her feet.

"You OK?" Craig asked with concern as he reached for Linda's arm to help her up.

"You sound like Patrick," Linda said with a smile, "I'm fine… honestly…"

"It's only cause we love you Lin," John Paul said, holding his friend's hand and squeezing it warmly.

"I know…"

"Uncle Patrick… look what I have…" With a burst of energy Daniel threw himself at Linda's husband as he approached, causing the man to laugh heartily before bending down to admire Daniel's new toy.

Tightening her grip on John Paul's hand Linda reached for Craig's and the three friends stood together watching as Patrick and Daniel explored every inch of the bright red fire engine, their exclamations of amazement at each new discovery making them all laugh.

"I'm glad you're here Lin," John Paul said as he turned to smile at the woman.

"Me too," Craig agreed, his eyes meeting his husbands in a look of love, not only for each other but also for their dear friend.

"Seeing you two… you three… happy like this?" Linda replied. "I wouldn't have missed it."

Letting go of each other's hands John Paul, Craig and Linda moved into an embrace. Warm tears trickled over Linda's cheeks as the two men held her close. She had seen them go through so much, she had witnessed their pain and their happiness and she had seen them fall apart so badly that she wondered if they could ever recover.

"I love you two…" Linda said, her voice catching with emotion as more tears began to fall from her eyes. Seeing the two men so much in love after everything they had been through, seeing them together as a family made her heart feel so full that she honestly thought it might burst with joy.

"We love you too Lin," John Paul said as he held the tearful woman and his husband close to him. "Always…"

* * *

**EPILOGUE**

The two men stood motionless and silent, their fingertips lightly touching as they stared ahead almost unable to breathe.

What they were witnessing seemed remarkable, almost unbelievable, a true miracle in every sense of the word.

"Say hello to your granddaughter."

Daniel held the newborn baby in his arms, pride and love glowing from his rich chocolate eyes and the baby's grandfathers knew exactly how he felt.

"D'you want to hold her?"

Without asking for a reply Daniel placed the child gently into Craig's arms, smiling at the sight of a single tear that trickled over his father's cheek and was lovingly brushed away by John Paul's fingertips.

Craig marvelled at the tiny bundle as he looked down at her. It was so long since he had held a baby, the last time had been not long after Linda had given birth to her second son James almost eighteen years ago. Craig could still remember the look of awe on the face of Linda's first child when he discovered he had a baby brother.

"Is he ours?" Jonathan had asked as he peered at the baby cradled in Craig's arms.

"She's beautiful," John Paul breathed, the first of the two men finally able to find a voice, all be it hushed and cracked with emotion.

As he touched a finger lightly against the child's cheek her eyes flickered open for a moment, her gaze seeming to lock on him, even though he knew such a thing was impossible in a child so young, so reminiscent of the first time he had met Daniel. With a quiet yawn the baby girl closed her eyes again, her long dark lashes touching against her cheeks, lashes that she had inherited from her father and grandfather and that would, in time, become the envy of her friends.

"Daniel… I…" Craig's gaze flickered from the baby to his son and then quickly back again, unable to keep his eyes from the child for a moment. Only once before had he felt such an instant rush of love, twenty four years earlier when he had held his own child in his arms.

"Do you have a name for her?" John Paul asked, his fingertip now firmly gripped in the baby's hand.

"Well we were thinking…" Daniel's gaze flickered to his wife. They had met two years earlier at a club and had become inseparable almost from their first dance as they both felt a connection that neither had known could exist until the moment they touched.

Lucy smiled her encouragement at her husband, her green eyes were dulled with tiredness but even her physical and emotional exhaustion could not take away the look of pride and adoration for the dark haired man at her bedside.

"We were thinking of calling her Ciara," Daniel said nervously, his eyes flitting back and forth between the two men who had raised him.

Craig had never kept the truth of Daniel's parentage from him and, when he was old enough to understand, Daniel had sat quietly with his two fathers as they explained the details of how he had come to be.

Daniel was aware that his birth could have cost the two men their marriage but that fact never concerned him because, for all of his life, he had never been given reason to doubt the men's love for each other, or for him.

John Paul McQueen may not have been Daniel's biological father but in every aspect that mattered he was as much a father as Craig Dean and together the couple had raised a son neither of them could have been prouder of.

At fourteen Daniel had come home from school bloodied and bruised, his face streaked with dirt and tears and his knuckles scuffed and swollen. It had taken several hours of gentle coaxing for Daniel to finally admit that he had gotten into a fight over his unusual family circumstances and his two "poofter" fathers. For the first time Craig had wondered if he had really done the right thing in raising the boy with his husband, or if he had put his own needs for John Paul above the needs of his son. His fears were quickly quashed as Daniel pulled both men into a fierce hug and insisted that no one could ever have better parents, whatever gender they might be.

"It's a beautiful name for her," Craig said smiling warmly at his son. "Your mum would be proud to have this little angel named after her."

"You don't mind?" Daniel asked.

"Of course we don't," John Paul assured him, "It suits her…"

Putting a hand over her mouth Lucy tried, and failed, to stifle a yawn.

"You're exhausted," Craig said, reluctantly handing baby Ciara back to her father, "We should let you get some rest."

"Thank you," Lucy replied with gratitude, as she could tell how much the two men wanted to spend time with their granddaughter, Lucy had a feeling her first child was going to have very doting grandparents.

As the two men walked slowly from the hospital room Craig stopped and turned to his husband of many years.

John Paul's soft smooth skin had become gently lined over the years and his hairline had receded slightly but, in the bright blue of his eyes, Craig could still see the young man he had fallen in love with a lifetime ago.

"D'you ever regret it?" Craig asked, taking hold of his husband's hands tightly.

"Regret what?" John Paul asked, tilting his head slightly as he looked enquiringly at the man he loved. Craig's dark hair was now heavily laced with silver and the lines around his eyes told of many happy years but to John Paul he would always look eighteen.

"Not having a child of your own… I mean we could have looked into it… but you never once said…"

John Paul laughed softly. "I do have a child," he replied touching a soft kiss to Craig's warm lips. "He's called Daniel."


End file.
